


Useless Runaways

by grossnoona



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Running Away, There are others too but Idt I should tag them, alternative universe - non-idol, i think, kind of doubting how apparent maoritsu are here but its def there dw!!, ukki talks like once or twice but yes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-10-04 05:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: Ritsu thinks running away should be a profession.He's just too good at this Goddamn job, he keeps making useless runaways even when he's not supposed to.It's honestly stupid but here he was, running away once more but this time, it's fromhis fucking weddingArashi is tired of her fucking life.She wants to escape too.She wants to make a run for itMika hopes she's kidding but all three of them are stuffed in a car, heading into some unknown direction and honestly sometimes it's for the best to leave it to faith to lead the way.





	1. Getaway Car

**Author's Note:**

> Grossnoona here and I finally finished a fic that I kept under wraps for quite a while?  
It's my Ritsu becomes a runaway bride au fic thing!  
I'm going to be honest, I didn't expect it to be _this long_ so I hope you spare me (I even divided them in chapters just to make my life and everyone's life easier lol)  
If you noticed the tags, you know I mentioned that I doubt how apparent mao and ritsu's r/s is in this and that's because its a little ??? but it's kind of meant to be like that ksjndkjsd  
I couldn't really change it so there is some casted doubt on their r/s but that's okay!! It'll be okay!! I promise!!  
[EDIT: I've edited _the entire piece_ so there's a couple of new lines and stuff??]

“Please, just take it off me--I can’t breathe in this _ fucking suit _,” Ritsu sobbed as he makes countless of frustrating failed attempts on taking off his bowtie. He struggled with trying to remove all of his wedding clothes; he didn’t want to be in them anymore. He hated the clothes. He hated the wedding. He didn’t want to think about it at all.

Ritsu felt gentle hands slowly untie his bowtie and help him undress as he takes deep breaths. It was getting easier to breathe each time an article of clothing was removed; he was getting some form of grip. He wasn’t sure if he meant it physically or metaphorically. Regardless, as soon as he was stripped down to just his undershirt and pants, he felt less restricted. He felt _less of the Ritsu_ _he was meant to be_ and more of the Ritsu he ended up becoming.

Mika and Arashi help him up to the couch. It was softer and easier to rest on instead of the walk-in of their apartment, anyway. By the time, Ritsu got on the couch, he just felt twice as shitty than before. He’s already cried enough but that didn’t mean he’s run out of tears.

_ He felt like a coward _.

“I should have just listened to my parents and marry _ that _ ** _goddamn motherfucker_ **\--” Each time Ritsu thinks about the wedding, he feels like throwing his guts up. He feels his stomach twist in an uncomfortable way. He didn’t love his fiancé. In fact, he hated him. He probably doesn’t give much of a damn what happened after he purposely walked out of the wedding in the middle of the vows. Telling the entire crowd; no, Ritsu isn't going to marry this man. He can’t, he won’t, he would never marry such a man that couldn’t care less about Ritsu and how he is.

Ritsu doesn’t know why he even agreed to the wedding. What did he see out of the relationship? Ritsu doesn’t even know anymore. He just wants to curl up and die at this point. He hated every single thing about that wedding; the way it was arranged, the clothes he had to wear, the guests--he never liked anything about the wedding. It felt like being trapped in a cage.

The only chance out was just running out of the wedding, even if it means to face his parents’ scorn alone as his brother looks at him in worry.

Ritsu sleeps amongst Mika’s handmade plushies as Arashi grabs a blanket to throw over him. Mika joins the pile and tries to comfort him through cuddling even if it doesn’t heal him as much as he wanted. It’s still _ something _ that he can cling onto for the time being. Arashi joins in anyway, not wanting Ritsu to feel lonely and lost without any help.

Mika and Ritsu have always been fast sleepers; so quick Ritsu can claim it as a talent while Mika just blames it on staying up too late. Arashi, on the other hand, always needed to wait it out a bit before finally sleeping. She spends her time staring at Ritsu’s peaceful face.

She wonders when was the last time Ritsu even looked that peaceful. It seemed like a long time ago since she last saw the older looked even remotely happy. Was it work slowly eating up his time? Was it age catching up to him? Or was it the fact that he was never happy ever since he got into that relationship? Arashi can’t tell anymore.

Ritsu seemed so far away from his friends, the busier he got with his life. Never having time to chat with Arashi, try out new clothes that Mika made, or do anything with anyone really. When was the last time Ritsu spoke to anyone outside of work and his fiance’s group of friends? Fuck, now that Arashi thought about it, when was the last time Ritsu _ spoke to Mao _?

Those two haven’t spoken in months, maybe even years.

Was Mao at the wedding? Arashi doubted so. As much as Ritsu would love him to be there, Mao probably didn’t even get invited thanks to that overbearing fiance Ritsu had. Ritsu probably had to keep his face up the entire time because there was no one Ritsu could turn to and cry on. Ritsu probably didn’t even invite any of his friends. If not, he wouldn’t have arrived at Arashi’s apartment on his own.

“I’m sorry, we couldn’t help you.”

Ritsu wakes up sore and gross. He’s sweaty, warm and aching. His joints crack a little as he tries to maneuver himself from underneath Mika’s grasp, the other was clinging onto him tightly. It was hard to tell who was the one who needed a hug--Ritsu can’t exactly say he hates it since Mika has always enjoyed the intimacy. Right now, actually, he might need it. Quietly, he removes himself from the situation.

He sees his wedding clothes thrown into the laundry basket.

Should he tell the other two that he could just take back those clothes? After all, it _ was expensive _. It probably costs more than Ritsu’s entire body on the black market. Though, knowing Arashi, she rather keeps it to ensure it stays in good condition. God knows what Ritsu will do to it when he gets home.

_ Right _, home.

Ritsu pauses after taking a glass from the cupboard. Home. That’s where _ he _ is. Ritsu stares at the glass, wondering to himself; should he even go home? All of his things are there, though. His clothes, his electronics, his essentials; they’re all with _ him _. Ritsu barely has anything. Just his wallet, his phone and the wedding getaway car that he stole from the wedding.

He gnaws on his lip as he pours himself a glass of water. His mind just filled with endless outcomes if he just strolls back into that house. Terrifying outcomes. Ritsu doesn’t want to go home. Ritsu can see his knuckles go white as he grips tightly to the glass. He’s terrified. What is going to happen? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. _ Anything could happen _ now that Ritsu thought about it.

“_Ritsu_,”

The glass slips out of his hands and crashes on the floor. Just like that; he can’t be entirely sure where he is anymore. He doesn’t want to look up; the voice may sound like Arashi but it sure as hell might not even be her. His vision blurs as he tries not to choke on apologises. He can’t tell if the sting in his hands is from the sharp glass that has pricked him or the fact he feels everything around him tear apart.

Mika wakes up to the sound of glass crashing into the kitchen. He seems to have been the last person to wake up from that nap earlier. He walks into the kitchen to find Ritsu sobbing on the floor as Arashi carefully tries to piece away the glass that he has broken. It seemed leaving Ritsu on his own was no longer an option. Just maybe in less than an hour, Ritsu had hurt himself. Whether it was on purpose or an accident, Mika can’t tell but he still helps clean Ritsu’s wounds as he just slumps on the dining table.

“I’m sorry,” Ritsu mumbles out.

Arashi pats his head and says that it wasn’t Ritsu fault that he got scared. Arashi should have called Ritsu softly or said something more Arashi-like to ensure Ritsu not to spook him so much. She hears Ritsu giggle and repeats spook. It felt reassuring to see Ritsu try to come back to reality.

Mika smiled at the giggle.

“There! You’re all patched up n’stuff!” Mika gives Ritsu a prideful look as Ritsu smiles softly and thanks him quietly. His hand momentarily lingering at the bandages before finally hugging Mika which wasn’t really an expected reaction but Mika takes it. He likes Ritsu’s hugs; they’re always warmer than others. He returns them happily.

Ritsu gestures Arashi to join along who happily takes up the offer. Mika and Arashi felt how tight Ritsu was hugging them. He seemed to want to return the kindness they had given to him but could only reply to it in the form of a hug. It was fine. They could take that gesture. They don’t want to force Ritsu to repay them as soon as possible.

Ritsu had saved their asses enough times.

It wasn’t like Ritsu never helped them. He has hauled Arashi’s ass over bad breakups and nearly physically gotten into fights with people who would call Arashi crude things. In fact, despite Arashi being able to defend herself, Ritsu would always find a way to save her. It was the most charming part about Ritsu in Arashi’s opinion. He also has saved Mika from countless of times from his irrational fights with people about things that he deeply cares for. Mika has to admit he owes Ritsu for always picking up his torn up toys and sketches that others had tossed away. Even when Mika didn’t know, when he was afraid he had misplaced an important sketch, Ritsu would come back scruffed up with his sketches taped together.

Ritsu had done enough for them.

It was only fair for them to want to return Ritsu’s constant help.

They insisted Ritsu to stay at their apartment. They didn’t want Ritsu to go back home. Mika had been left to cheer Ritsu up as Arashi arranged a way to get back all of his stuff. She doesn’t care what Ritsu’s ex-fiance is like; she’s moving Ritsu out of that godforsaken house. She’ll find a way. She always does.

Rei is a real kind hearted brother. He made every single trace of Ritsu from _ that house _ disappear. Whether it was against the ex-fiance’s will or not, it didn’t matter. All Rei wanted was Ritsu’s happiness, it seemed. Arashi thanked him profusely for helping out. Despite all the thanks, Arashi saw Rei’s saddened smile as he and Kaoru bid them goodbye.

“_ Please, take good care of him, _” Rei asked Arashi to promise.

Seeing Ritsu with all of his things, it made piecing the current Ritsu a little better. In Mika’s opinion, Ritsu hasn’t changed much. His stuff is still filled with obscure things that no one knows why he owns. Arashi begs to differ, though. This Ritsu, he is constantly working. If he’s not working, he’s staring into space. Mika could agree on that aspect. That was _ a relatively new aspect of Ritsu _.

This Ritsu, it’s almost as if he had lost purpose.

Mika had apparently gotten the permission to look through Ritsu’s things. Apparently, he couldn’t care less which seemed like a Ritsu-like answer in Arashi’s opinion. Watching Mika uncover endless sketches, half-written songs, and many other things. It seemed Mika was right; _ Ritsu hadn’t changed much _. He just lacked the ability to continue them. The sole cause of it was obvious; some of the songs look crumpled up and knowing what kind of mess Ritsu had gotten himself into, this was definitely thrown into the trash. He didn’t continue them because he couldn’t find a way to continue them anymore.

“You look determined.”  


“I want Ritsu to be happy.”

Mika was right. Both of them couldn’t exactly make Ritsu’s sadness disappear completely but they want it to go away enough for him to smile again. They want Ritsu to be okay. They just want Ritsu to finally be able to smile again.

“Let’s go on a trip,” Arashi announced.

  
It was sudden. Mika didn’t even know about it, Ritsu looks confused but both could agree Arashi sounded insane at the thought of just running away without any prior planning. It was _ so unlike Arashi _ . Yet it seemed like a_ pretty Arashi thing to do _ though Ritsu and Mika can’t comment as Arashi aggressively packs their luggage away. They can’t even stop her because each time Mika comes closer, Ritsu freezes a little. Ritsu doesn’t quite show it outright but everyone can clearly see he’s trying to find a reason as to why Arashi is suddenly reacting in such a way. Mika is definitely on the same page but he isn’t quite as on edge as Ritsu. He’s going to say it’s because he’s gotten used to Arashi’s fits but Ritsu may be seeing something else. Maybe might be an understatement.

Ritsu who sits next to Arashi and asks, almost like a whisper, if Arashi was okay.

It seemed pretty out of the typical Ritsu both of them were used to. The ever-so blunt Ritsu who spoke everything with a certain level of confidence and aloofness; he wasn’t here obviously. He disappeared along with the other parts of what made Ritsu, well, _ Ritsu _ . Yet a part of him still remained; the same Ritsu who worried endlessly even if it was beyond his control. A trait he definitely shared with Mao; unexpectedly a worrywart. Mika and Arashi would laugh at the sight of Ritsu worrying over small things but right now, it felt so weird to watch _ him _ get worried instead of the other way around.

“I--I’m sorry, I just wanna take a break.” Arashi sounds tired; did something bad happen? Mika doesn’t want to question it but he sees Ritsu nod for a moment before helping her pack. Mika watched the two quietly pack away; Mika is unsure if _ either of them know where the hell they’re going _ but, somehow, Mika didn’t want to stop it. Working together, they quietly pack their essentials and lock their apartment. They don’t know how long they’re planning on being gone but it definitely won’t be short. That’s all they know.

They find themselves driving God knows where in the middle of the night.

It was just driving endlessly on the empty road, only tunes from Arashi’s phone filling up all that silence. They don’t care where they’re going; that just want to be _ somewhere _. Mika stares out of the window as the street lights pass by and Arashi sleeps soundly in an awkward position due to the seat. Ritsu is silent throughout the entire drive, he has a slightly tight grip as he wearily blinks.

“It’s obvious that I changed, right?” Ritsu suddenly says.

He isn’t sparing a single glance at Mika but he can tell the other is awkwardly nodding; almost unsure if it was safe to admit his worries over the older. Ritsu understands; all Ritsu has been this entire time was a nuisance, honestly. Almost every single thing that breaks or freaks him out, it sends him in a round of frenzy. Hoping to God that he didn’t mess up; he spends more time uncomfortably stressed than actually _ being useful_. Ritsu kind of wants to get mad at himself for being such a useless sack of shit, honestly.

“I want to go home,” Ritsu says. Mika doesn’t quite get it but at the same time, he gets it.

Mika wants to be like when they were younger; happier and energetic. Laughter in each other’s ears. Their hands clasped together as their hair tangles between each other when they lay down. Mika wonders if it’s okay to want to return to such a selfish state. After all, those three are different from these three. Mika wonders if it’s okay to ask Ritsu to drive them back home so they can feel some sense of grip. Is it okay? Mika hopes it is.

Ritsu agrees.

Ritsu drives for hours. Just to reach where everyone is; home. They probably are a shitton happier than those three; maybe they’ll get punched in the face for disappearing for too long. It felt so strange as Ritsu began recognising signs and buildings that he long thought were going to be demolished. He glances at the other two who have long gone to sleep. It was really only Ritsu and his thoughts now.

He didn’t mind it. It’s been awhile he’s_ actually left alone with his thoughts _ instead of his fears. Ritsu wonders how he’ll fare with his friends. Maybe they’ll shout in anger as they grabbed him tightly by the collar; demanding why he decided to leave abruptly? Maybe Mao would look at him in complete disgust and not call him his close friend? Maybe they’ll pretend like Ritsu is a stranger and treat him like someone they have never met before. Those seem plausible situations though Ritsu isn’t so sure which one is the worst.

Maybe none of the above will even happen, a hopeful thought voices. Ritsu hopes so though no matter how many times he hopes for something good; it never quite happens.

“Man, I need to catch a breather,” Ritsu says to himself.

Arashi and Mika wake up to the sounds of the waves crashing against the sand. Arashi is the first to jolt awake; wondering where the fuck did Ritsu drive to. Clearly, he was a master at driving off the grid because Arashi _ literally cannot tell where she is _. She steps out, stretching out all of that pain from sleeping uncomfortably in the car.

It’s barely morning. The sky was going from a dark hue of purple to a lighter shade of blue. Arashi tries to shake Mika awake, the other stirs as he stumbles out. Clinging tightly to Arashi, he asks where they were. It sounded real close to home but at the same time, it didn’t feel the same.

“I don’t know--we both fell asleep when Ritsu was driving.”

Mika stares at the sight of the beach, confusedly. Was this Ritsu’s definition of home? Mika doesn’t know. Ritsu always hated the beach; it was always too full, too hot and it made the other oddly uncomfortable yet there both of them saw--Ritsu sitting near the steps, admiring the sight before them. He seems to be sipping on some canned drink, they don’t particularly care about those types of details.

What really mattered was how Ritsu blended with the view; wind blowing softly his hair as he stared straight ahead.

“Ritsu?” Arashi calls out.

Ritsu turns and smiles softly; Mika felt his heart skip a beat for a moment. Ritsu really is a different kind of pretty.

“Good morning,” Ritsu greeted, he lifts a plastic bag to show he bought some stuff while they were asleep.

_ This _ wasn’t exactly what Arashi had in mind for breakfast at the beach; she expected more of an ambient feeling with expensive food while lounging in expensive swimwear or something ridiculous like that. She didn’t expect eating convenience store bought food with cans of tea, laughing as they try not to drop their food in the sand. It was honestly such a sight to be in; seeing Mika laugh as Ritsu tells shitty jokes. It felt really good and it’s only been a day since they started this improv getaway.

They cheer as the sun rises; calling it a brand new day.

“Do you have any idea what to do now?” Ritsu asks, he claimed not wanting to think anymore. He’s barely awake as of then, having wasted all his energy on driving them there. He tosses the keys to Arashi as she laughs at how quick Ritsu was to crawl to the backseat to catch his well-deserved nap.

“We need a hotel. We smell _ horrible _.” Mika muses in agreement.

They find a hotel that Mika manages to book through his phone. They find themselves taking more naps as soon as they crashed onto soft beds. It was definitely too difficult to resist the feeling of soft comforting pillows and blankets after that long cramped ride. Sure, they stink but sleep is far more important than that as of then.

It was almost evening when they woke up, Ritsu guessed just by looking at the room filled with orange light. They must have needed sleep _ that bad _. Ritsu yawned as he maneuvered the limbs that wrapped him tightly. As much as he loved hugs, he couldn’t bear the feeling of being hot and sticky. He needed a bath badly.

Ritsu wonders what he has gotten himself into. Running away despite the endless duties they have? What are they? Teenagers? They’re adults, they _ should know better than this _. Ritsu hears his parents’ voice relentlessly scold him. The sound of water hitting against the floor, it didn’t drown those thoughts out. Instead, it isolated them. Making them clearer than ever. Ritsu hated it.

Ritsu comes out of the bathroom, hearing Arashi calling dibs for the bathroom.

Ritsu laughs a little when he spots Mika make an unsatisfied noise as Arashi closes the door. Mika makes a weird face before asking Ritsu why he’s always the first one to get up despite the fact that everyone knew Ritsu had a habit of waking up late growing up. Ritsu tilts his head a little, wondering the same. Did he pick it up back in _ that house _? Ritsu thinks that’s a possible cause of it. On weekends, he does wake up late though.

“I guess I’ve just been worked up.”

Mika hums in agreement. He notes how Ritsu looks way less tense than he was when he was back at the apartment. Ritsu didn’t really realise it at first but looking in a mirror, he could see some stress lines. Really, the more he gets stressed, the older he’ll look. He’s barely past his mid-twenties and this is already happening to him. For once, he agrees with Arashi, he too wants to be pretty forever.

Arashi comes out as Mika and Ritsu talk about what to eat. Whether or not, they should eat in their hotel room. Maybe they can eat something ridiculous and watch a shitty rom-com, pointing out the lies that it casts onto others. Watching them converse, Arashi realises how tired all of them are. They really just want to find something to anchor themselves to but all they have is each other.

“Ah, Naru-chan, d’ya wanna order in?” Mika asks.

Usually, Arashi would go against it but she doesn’t have the brain cells to think of a place nor does she have the energy to even attempt to look remotely decent. She hails for such an idea, taking a look at the menu as Mika takes his turn to take a bath. Ritsu mumbles in worry, wondering if ordering all of these outrageous things would be okay since they never bothered thinking about a budget and all of that junk. Arashi wants to laugh at Ritsu who furrows his eyebrows as he clips up his hair.

“Really, you’re starting to sound like Mao-chan now.”

The face Ritsu makes doesn’t look as funny or as good as she thought it’d be. In fact, the thought simply escaped her mouth faster than she could even think of the consequences of this situation. The way he averts his sad eyes, his mouth thinning out, and hands tightly gripping the pen. Ritsu doesn’t exactly look mad but _ he is rather disappointed _.

Arashi feels bad for opening up a wound that she should’ve known existed.

“Ritsu-chan, I--”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Ritsu cuts her off sharply. It’s sharp and cold when Ritsu tells Arashi not to apologise. It hurts a little, watching him unclip his fringe and setting the clip aside. Ritsu tries to steer the conversation back to the main topic, ultimately making the words Arashi had said vanish into thin air. Almost as if Ritsu had never heard them.

_ So that’s how Ritsu hides himself. He pretends it never happened for both of their sakes even if it’s not right _.

** _Even if it was better to talk it out than stay quiet about it_**.

Dinner changes the mood, surprisingly. They’re eating all sorts of nonsense, letting the movie be nothing but background noise for them. It’s stupid, honestly. They’re out here being irresponsible adults. Running away from their responsibilities and possibly being disappointments to their families and friends. Yet, they couldn’t care less about such useless duties like that. They don’t want to think about such stiff and boring lives they have to live for the sake of others.

They’re sick of it.

“What do you think we should do tomorrow?” Arashi asks, watching Ritsu shuffle the cards. They heard Ritsu picked up tarot card reading as a joke in university. Really, Ritsu might as well be a straight up witch at this point and none of them would question it.

Ritsu hums a little before stating how he wants to die.

“No can do, Ritsu-kun. We gotta keep you alive.” Mika’s firm objection makes Ritsu boo at him. He even jokes about giving Mika a bad future though knowing Ritsu, if he were legit about this tarot reading, he’d never purposely give Mika a bad future. It was just impossible for him to do. He’s too nice to do such evil things to Mika.

For a moment, Arashi called this tarot card bullshit but looking at Ritsu explain their pasts, presents and future; it seemed very much real. He didn’t even bother asking if they were right or wrong, he pretty much knew he was right anyway. Mika calls it cool but also unfair that Ritsu was good at it. Ritsu snorts as Mika attempts a try on reading Ritsu’s own fortunes. It doesn’t work out as well as Mika hoped.

“Lovers, huh?” Arashi says, picking up the card.

Ritsu pointed out that it was reversed which was unexpected. He always thought Arashi was someone who would have a higher chance of having it upright rather than reversed. He took a sip of his drink before explaining the meaning again. He talks about self-love, misalignment of values, fear of breaking off relationships and so many things that honestly leaves Arashi shaken to the bone. The way he relays it is so simple and straight, it’s honestly terrifying to watch.

“Nacchan, you okay?” Ritsu asks, realising he must’ve plucked strings that he shouldn’t have.

Arashi assures him that it wasn’t his fault for talking about them. She just didn’t really realised them until Ritsu pointed it out. She really did feel like she couldn’t love herself anymore, get along with anyone, cutting corners just for the sake of others and so many more tiring things that Arashi just _ wished she could have worked it out better_. It honestly sucks but Arashi should have seen it coming yet she was still there.

“Is that why you wanted to run away?” Ritsu asks next.

_ Maybe _.

Arashi doesn’t even know anymore. Arashi thinks it’s crazy how it seemed so unlike her to run away from her problems but she couldn’t help it. She was tired and needed time off. She needed time for herself but she doesn’t want to do it alone because she’s afraid that she’ll do something outrageous. She needed someone to hold her hand and tell her it’s okay--_she wanted someone to tell her it was okay to make mistakes and break away_. The further she rants, the harder it is to keep all of those stupid useless emotions together. It’s hard to not break apart when she feels like everything is already in shambles to begin with.

Ritsu and Mika hold her hands as she sobs.

Arashi is tired. Arashi hates it, she’s trying _ so fucking hard to smile and bear through it _ but she just can’t anymore. It’s hard to smile when all she’s getting are endless scolds and crumpled up ideas that get disapproved immediately. She wants a way out, she wants to cut herself off from every single person she knows, she just wants to finally feel some form of happiness that doesn’t disappear the next morning. She really just wants anything to feel.

“Maybe, it’s time to quit that company.”

“You make it sound easy.”

Mika thinks the way Arashi and Ritsu banter sound drained. Usually, you’d find the two banter with more energy. They’d pull out words and information that Mika doesn’t even know if they were factual or not. Regardless, there was rarely blood in their conversations yet today, there was some. Maybe prior to it, Mika can’t help point it out.

When he did, they both stop arguing.

They stay silent for a moment. Mika wonders who’ll say it. Usually at times like these, as childish it may seem, Ritsu would point it out but much to everyone’s surprise, Arashi did. She admits her fault for talking about Mao. Mika didn’t get it until Arashi spilled everything about Ritsu looking uncomfortable at the mention of Mao. Just by looking at Ritsu’s saddened face, Mika couldn't help but agree.

“I told you not to worry about it.”

“Yes, but you were uncomfortable--Ritsu, tell us when you feel something isn’t right.”

Ritsu makes a sour expression. He looks like he’s trying hard not to say something wrong. The way his hands uncomfortably fidget. He was definitely uncomfortable at the mention of Mao. Mika and Arashi don’t know exactly what happened the last time they met but it probably didn’t turn out as well as they both hoped. They try to coax Ritsu in telling what happened but all he does is flop back down on the bed.

“He got mad, Ma-kun got mad.”

That’s all he gave.

Not wanting to press any further, the two of them left it as that.

As surprising it may be, it also isn’t exactly surprising that Mao got mad at Ritsu whatever the circumstances may be. They all remember days where Mao would complain to Ritsu about being the way he is but regardless, Mao would still care for Ritsu. He’d always come back and apologise quietly as Ritsu hugs him as tightly as possible. What went wrong between them, Mika doesn’t want to know.

Tonight like the many nights since Ritsu has arrived, they close their eyes while holding each other tightly. Hoping tomorrow, they’ll be okay.


	2. Ignorance is Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As crazy as it seems, running away isn't so bad  
It _does have_ its own disadvantages and advantages but really, it has more disadvantages in Ritsu's opinion
> 
> Yet he keeps running away **ridiculously so**, he doesn't know why he hasn't given up yet.  
Arashi and Mika are going to get tired of this one day, he's pretty sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to upload all three chapters in one shot but I, uh, got tired bc I uploaded the first chapter at 2am skjdnjskd  
Anyway, I might upload the last chapter a little later after uploading this???? maybe  
I'm just trying to tweak some parts before I upload it lol  
I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Going off-grid has a lot of outcomes. Mainly bad ones. Ritsu wakes up to Arashi being in an argument with someone on the phone. She sounds exasperated while Mika is frustratedly typing up an apology email to his boss. It’s dawned to Ritsu that he has used his honeymoon for this useless escapade. Really, it’ll only be long before he’ll be in the same position as them

“I thought I told them already.” Arashi sighs to herself. Ritsu has to admit, he’s not very fond of her company. They’re not very good at managing people like Arashi in Ritsu’s opinion. Though mentioning it will only result in last night’s feud and he’s not quite in the mood for that.

Instead, he opts to just ask what’s for breakfast.

Mika points at the breakfast at the dining table as Arashi kisses Ritsu’s forehead when she passes by him to enter the bathroom. When he sits down, Mika sighs to himself. He states how he thought he sent the email but apparently they needed him to send one more draft before going on this holiday. He didn’t see it until this morning. Ritsu listens to Mika’s frustration as he ate breakfast, not commenting on anything. Hoping to not receive the same banter from last night.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Mika notes, finally closing his laptop. Maybe finally sending that draft they needed. Mika mumbles incoherently but Ritsu hears the vague mention of returning back to _ Oshi-san_. Ritsu wonders why he isn’t working with Shu anymore, maybe to spread his wings and stuff but that didn’t seem so well-thought in the end.

“I don’t wanna comment on anything big today,” Ritsu replies.

Mika nods in agreement, thinking that it’s best to leave it at that. They’re all just barely tiptoeing each other. It’s _just that terrifying _ to touch any unsettling topic. Maybe they’re afraid of facing them themselves or maybe they’re afraid of being scorned by each other. Who knows, really? Ritsu doesn’t, he thought to himself as he ate breakfast as it grows colder.

They walk aimlessly around the town they’ve stopped at.

Arashi notes how because of her sudden disappearance, although it was well-informed, other models are up in arms about it. In Ritsu and Mika’s ears, it means _Sena Izumi_ _is tracking down all three of them even if it kills him or sends him to jail_. A terrifying thought, honestly. Ritsu would rather die than be tracked down by that guy. Mika can’t imagine the amount of panic the other can rise with just one single message. Surely, everyone will start doing searches for them.

Ritsu shivers at the thought of it.

“God, that guy is going to stab me directly in the heart with a wooden stake at this rate.” Ritsu doesn’t want to imagine Izumi in a full priest getup with a wooden stake. It sounds crazy but it honestly could be real at the same time.

Mika scoffs and calls him dramatic.

“Ritsu-chan, your imagination is really absurd sometimes,” Arashi jokes.

So many things felt like they’re changed but really, it hasn’t. Maybe Ritsu has aged, he can’t really tell anymore. Mika and Arashi seem more or less familiar with the area while Ritsu felt like a complete outsider. Ritsu blames it on how it has been a long while since he visited the area whereas the other two must’ve been here not so long ago.

Arashi talks about how avoiding friends will be harder now.

Ritsu apologises for wanting to go home.

Childish banter.

Mika wonders if Ritsu actually remembers anything from the area. Probably not. From the looks of it, it’s almost as if he’s trying to force himself to remember. Arashi whispers to him about how sometimes it’s hard for Ritsu to remember himself so they shouldn’t force him to remember so much. It’ll only make matters worse, Arashi says though it feels wrong for treating Ritsu so weakly. Maybe, it’s okay for now but forever? Mika doesn’t think it’ll work that way anymore.

Lunch is fizzy, bright and tasty. An uptown restaurant that Arashi was recommended by a friend last time she came by. Mika sketches portraits on napkins while Arashi tries to take selfies in the midst of waiting for food to arrive. Ritsu laughs at how never-changing the two are. Always remaining the same, it makes Ritsu a little jealous. The three laugh as they exchange how they used to do these kinds of things often when they were younger. They’d talk about ridiculous things.

All those kinds of girl talk.

They would spend hours doing such things.

Walking idly around town, that’s tiring than they remembered. Maybe it’s age catching up, they all thought. Though they’re only in the mid-twenties, they shouldn’t be complaining like old people. Ritsu thinks he’s always been tired of walking, though he does it more often than driving. He hates sitting in a car, getting a cramp from it and probably suffering a headache from driving too much. He’d rather walk than drive even if it’s twice as painful and longer.

They don’t know how long they’ve been talking but it only occurs after realising how sore Ritsu’s throat gets and Arashi answering an unexpected call.

“Ah, it’s been a while.”

They don’t really know the contents of the conversation but Ritsu and Mika can make a guess. It’s probably Izumi, or maybe Leo. Whoever it is, Arashi seems be getting some smack for running off like a fool. Even then, the person on the other side still remains understanding. Arashi thanks the other for helping out and ends the call at that. Mika wants to ask who called while Ritsu rather not bother. Shuffling that information into slightly troublesome trivial things in his brains while Mika begs to differ.

“Izumi-chan, who else?” Arashi smiles weakly.

Izumi agreed to help clear out the issue but it comes with a catch; Arashi will have to bring dear old Ritsu over for dinner. The date, the time and everything about the dinner are unknown. Whatever it is, it leaves Ritsu scratching his head in worry. He can already count the endless outcomes of being interrogated by the one and only Sena Izumi.

“Does Leo still live with him?”

Arashi nods sadly.

Ah, is Izumi going to call everyone he’s known in his life and give him the worst time of his life? Like his wedding, he’d bolt to some unknown direction and cry once he’s far away enough.

A part of him yearns a little for this reunion, another scrambling all over the floor; looking for a way to escape. Though a smaller part of him wonders if there is a need for an emergency escape in the first place. Ritsu has spent so long running away from home, he’s practically an expert at this point. Running far and coming back when no one is around to reprimand him, Ritsu was best at that.

_ And only that it seems_.

Ritsu wouldn’t really want to refuse since Arashi and Mika were part of this mess of an equation. He can’t back down because of them. He begrudgingly accepts the invite as Arashi tries to arrange a date for the occasion. Knowing Ritsu, it’d go haywire fast because that's how things are like.

Nothing goes quite right for people like him.

Waiting anxiously for this Goddamn dinner to pass by makes time go by _ way too fucking fast _. Soon enough, Ritsu is uncomfortably fidgeting in the car as Arashi drives up to Izumi and Leo's house.

_ Of course, it’s a party_.

Ritsu wants to hurl. He almost forgets everyone’s names, faces, and voices.

Everything becomes a blur; voices merge together into one big ominous one, bodies and faces all unable to recognise, hands touching him uncomfortably--ah, he really wants to get out. Everyone is asking and wanting too much out of Ritsu but he has nothing to offer. It's like the wedding all over again.

Ritsu escapes to a far off balcony quietly, just as Mika is hugging Shu with tears in his eyes and Arashi is laughing loudly next to Tsukasa about a joke. He can’t breathe anymore, he needs fresh air.

Leo and Izumi own a beautiful house. It’s spacious, free and classical. It felt very much like _ their house _. It must’ve helped Leo create those beautiful songs that Izumi always loved singing too. Though Izumi was mainly more of a model or a dancer, Ritsu knew very well that Izumi enjoyed singing Leo’s songs. He wonders if they’ll continue that until they get children too.

He vaguely recalls them talking about adopting somewhere during dinner; Ritsu can't seem to recall properly.

Ritsu stays there, locking himself away from the rest of the world.

“Man, I’m a fucking coward.” Ritsu laughs to himself a little.

First, Arashi and Mika made him arrive too early. He shuffled around the awkwardness, only speaking when prompted to, quietly helping out. Then, he ends up being _ obviously _ uncomfortable with everyone. Only nodding and smiling as people talk about how much they've missed him. Before he knew it, he’s avoiding some of the guests like the plague. Occasionally, retreating to the kitchen to pretend to get a drink but really, he’s just ditching the mess.

Ritsu hears the gates opening, voices greeting as a door opens. Leo is hollering the incoming guests as Izumi scolds him for doing so. He hears more hollering and joy, Ritsu covers his ears a little to suppress the noise. He doesn’t care who it is, he just wants everyone to stay quiet for once.

Ritsu sighs.

He even ignored his own brother. At least his brother and Kaoru understood that he needed just a little bit more space. They were accommodating enough to _ actually let him escape _. Nowadays, he doesn’t really hate his brother. Rei isn’t a bad person, he can just be a bit of an overthinker. Thinking too hard for his own good, Ritsu wants to say but his voice gets caught in his throat when he hears another person laugh.

Ritsu feels his phone vibrate and sighs at Mika’s sweet message; “_Don’cha wanna join us? Akehoshi-kun and the gang are here yk :D _”

Ritsu’s stomach churns uncomfortably. He knows Mika is trying to cover up the fact that Mao is here. Ever since the first night disaster, Mao’s name has been treated as a taboo. He can’t be brought up for Ritsu’s sake, or at least that’s what he believes the other two are thinking about. It most likely is, Arashi and Mika have a habit of treating others with _ way too much care_.

He kind of wants to laugh.

He wonders a little; does Mao still have his number? Maybe not. Does Mao want to see him? Definitely not. Was Mao forced to come over? Most likely. Mao is probably enjoying his time the floor below Ritsu, he probably is purposely ignoring the fact that Ritsu is here, he probably is pretending the party was just another round of Izumi and Leo being friendly. Ritsu doesn’t actually know if that’s truly what Mao’s thinking.

After 2 years of not seeing that idiot, Ritsu can’t piece Mao together anymore.

All of those cheesy pictures of Mao smiling brightly with his hands shoved in his pockets, they're so distant to Ritsu. Ritsu doesn’t even know what Mao feels like anymore. Is he just as warm and comforting as Ritsu remembers? Ritsu doesn’t know anymore.

Ritsu hears the balcony door creak open, he doesn't want to look at the person who decided to invade Ritsu’s personal escape.

His mind quickly searches through the many guests and try to guess who _ would genuinely try to find Ritsu _, he can’t tell who it is. Who would be someone fitting enough for Rei and Kaoru to actually tell them where Ritsu is? Ah, Ritsu doesn’t know the answer at all. His head feels squeezed, almost like it’s going to burst.

He wants to cry.

“**_Ritchan_**”

Ritsu looks like a mess. He can’t believe he’s heaving and coughing in the corner of a balcony as Mao--no, Ma-kun--ah fuck, Ritsu doesn’t know how to call for him anymore. All he knows right now is that Isara Mao is caressing his cheek and asking him if he’s alright in the softest, kindest way possible. It’s unfair, why is Ritsu always _so fucking weak?_ Why can’t he ever be able to pull himself together?

“Hey, Ritchan, it’s okay.” Mao lures Ritsu into his space, letting the other sob into his shirt. Mao is always too kind, it’s unfair. Ritsu doesn’t deserve this, after arguing endlessly about his stupid mess of a failed arranged marriage and ghosting Mao for 2 years, Mao should be treating him like a vermin; despicable and harmful. Yet somehow, he isn’t.

It’s unfair.

_ It’s unfair _.

** _It’s so fucking unfair_ **.

Ritsu wants to ask why but his voice is caught in his throat. All that’s ever coming out of his mouth is just strangled noises and more sobs. Ritsu can’t even say Mao’s name without choking on it. Ah, he really is a huge mess. Mao shouldn’t have gone off to find him. It’s truly unfair.

Mao hums as Ritsu tries his best in recollecting himself. He flails around in his brain, racking through any idea that just seems solid enough to anchor himself too. Ritsu stays in Mao’s warm and safe arms a little longer. He wants to be a foolish child, just a tiny bit longer before finally facing the other properly.

“_ I’m sorry, Ma-kun._”

“Don’t be.”

Ritsu looks up and Mao clearly hasn’t changed much over 2 years. He still looks the same as those silly photos of him that Ritsu would cling onto. Mao had always had a chance of growing taller and bigger than Ritsu. He’s too tall, Ritsu feels small in the other's space. What a pity, Ritsu thought.

“Ma-kun, I need to tell you something--”

“_I HEARD CRYING _”

Arashi bursting into the balcony led to Ritsu backing himself completely against the wall, Mao immediately pushing himself away from the other as well. Dear God, Ritsu already thought he was getting erratic heart rate because of the mess prior to Arashi but now, Arashi made it ten times worse. He heaves as Arashi apologises for scaring the two of them.

Mao helps Ritsu up as Ritsu tries to calm Arashi down.

It’s not like something Ritsu has never handled. He was used to it. It was just Arashi was a little louder than usual.

That still didn’t stop Arashi’s fretting and it only started getting worse as Mika joined out of worry. Those two, they really care about messing Ritsu up a little too much.

“Nacchan, Mikarin;_ I’m not dead yet--_stop treating me like that.”

That was the first time Ritsu spoke clearly and loudly at the party. He was speaking in the same slow rolled out tone that everyone could always recognise _ as his_. The way his posture was; it wasn't the same one they say earlier. Unlike his stiff and tight movement, Ritsu had a lax posture. His face showed a tired expression as he explained how used to death he is.

Really, it felt like Ritsu came back for that small moment.

Arashi didn’t know how to feel about it.

As soon as everyone took notice of it, he reverted back to his meek self. The one that would stiffen at Leo’s loud booming voice as he tells Izumi a dumb joke who only uses scolds as a response to the shitty ones. The one that awkwardly nodded at Tsukasa as he strolled into the kitchen with cakes. The one that stuck tightly to his brother, Kaoru, Arashi or even Mika during severe moments when too many people spoke to him at once. The one that ran out of his own wedding out of fear but labeled it as cowardice.

_ The Ritsu that wished he was childish again_.

Arashi and Mika apologise to Ritsu for causing a scene. They treat him too fragile but it couldn't be helped.

Arashi purposely asked Mao to find Ritsu. Arashi was the one who asked Mao, as uncomfortable it may be, to find Ritsu for them. Arashi kept apologising as Mao uncomfortably laughed and agreed. She watched Mao quietly approach Rei and Kaoru, heading somewhere deep in the house. She quietly prayed that Mao and Ritsu could try to mend their relationship.

She prayed quietly for Mao and Ritsu to smile again.

Watching Ritsu awkwardly stick to Mao who has _ immediately _ gone into that accommodating self he always had going on when surrounded by people in parties, Arashi wonders if it was a good idea. Ritsu was horrible at joining in conversations, he just kept slipping in and out of Mao’s grip. Quietly coming back with snacks in his hands as Mao lured him back into his space. Not wanting to let Ritsu escape from his fingertips once more.

The party ends with Leo being a nuisance and Izumi kicking his ass for it.

A rather typical end to it, Arashi wanted to laugh.

“You sure about transferring? This is a big choice, you know?” Izumi asked as he sipped on a glass of wine. He kept talking about how he needed one badly after arranging that shithole of a party.

Outside of that point, Izumi pointed out how it seems like Mika was planning on working with Shu again. Probably finally trying to come back home after realising he wasn’t _ exactly _ ready yet. Though, it wasn’t like Mika was the only one not ready yet. Arashi wasn’t either.

Izumi was right. Maybe she should come back and work with Izumi again. It wouldn't hurt, Arashi thought. She grips Izumi’s hand tightly as she asked if it was really okay to be a coward and quit the company. Izumi only shrugs and asked if Arashi felt if it was right.

“But what about Ritsu-chan?”

“Kuma-kun? Have you forgotten how good that dumbass is at adapting?”

Just as Arashi protested that _ this Ritsu _ was different, Izumi interrupted her by explaining how Ritsu would always find a way to come back home. Even if he says he isn’t, he always will. It’s an annoying trait about Ritsu but a _ really useful one _. It couldn’t be helped that everyone, friend or not, was waiting for Ritsu to finally come home.

“Besides, Kuma-kun--he, he really didn’t want to tell us, huh?”

“About what?”

“Him getting into an arranged marriage.”

Arashi doesn’t know the exact answer to that. Honestly, Ritsu never really explained much about that part. It gets shut off like their other taboo topics but really, it was the biggest taboo topic they had. Ritsu didn’t like talking about it. All she knew about it was that the fiancé, in Ritsu’s own words, was a motherfucker. That and maybe the fact Mao disapproved of their marriage vehemently.

Other than that, Ritsu’s supposed marriage was a complete mystery.

“I coaxed some out of Rei,” Leo interrupted. He takes Izumi’s wine glass and takes a sip of it before showing complete disgust towards it. Arashi still doesn’t know how Leo still does stupid things like this in his mid-twenties, Izumi doesn’t bothering questioning them anymore. He's already married to the fool, might as well get used to it.

“Ritsu didn't want to get into one, _ apparently_. He just got forced into one thanks to that scary demon they call the Sakuma grandma. Their parents seem pretty reluctant at first but sadly succumbed to it thanks to the fact that Ritsu wasn’t _ heir-worthy _.”

Arashi quirks an eyebrow at that last part. Of course, Ritsu wasn’t heir-worthy. He wasn’t even heir, to begin with. Rei was. She didn’t get the point of the arranged marriage.

Leo laughs as Izumi rolls his eyes at Arashi for not getting the picture.

“Kuma-kun is just baited in luring _ someone else who is _.”

** _Oh, well that makes sense_**.

“What about that Ma-kun guy, then? What’s his deal?” Izumi asks Leo who only shrugged in response. Apparently, this was his first time hearing it which means Rei didn't know about the argument.

Arashi can’t chip in much though. All Ritsu gave was a short vague description of the entire thing. All he said was that Mao got really mad at him and that was it. Nothing more was said about the mess and it made Arashi wonder how severe was the argument that led them to split _ just like that_. Surely there were pieces of that argument that led them to that conclusion but both of them didn’t want to spit it out.

“Woah, you guys look gloomy! What happened?” Makoto wedged himself into the conversation.

Perfect timing, Arashi thought.

“Yuuki-kun, did Mao-chan ever tell you anything about him and Ritsu-chan?”

“You mean that big argument they had 2 years ago?”

Arashi nods as Izumi quirked an eyebrow. Leo urges the other to spill but Makoto seems pretty reluctant. Afraid of Mao’s anger for telling something so personal that Makoto, Subaru, Hokuto, and Anzu only found out months after Ritsu stopped talking to Mao. Watching Mao glue himself to Ritsu, it honestly makes Makoto wonder if they’ll ever apologise to each other about the argument.

Leo still manages to get Makoto to spill.

They argued about how Ritsu hid everything about the wedding behind Mao’s back. Ritsu didn’t want to tell Mao anything about the arranged marriage. Out of what? Makoto was sure Mao didn’t know either. All he remembers from the retelling was that Mao was just fumed about how Ritsu didn’t want to tell him that he didn’t want to get married. Ritsu didn’t want to tell Mao that he was falling apart for being forced into these uncomfortable positions. Ritsu didn’t want Mao’s help.

“I recall Isara-kun telling me that Ritsu broke it off, not him.”

Ritsu must’ve done it so he wouldn’t have Mao storm into the Sakuma house, demanding Ritsu to be able to choose what he wants to do himself. Though, even then, Arashi wouldn’t know. She’s only making assumptions. Makoto shrugs and notes how Mao doesn’t know either. It seemed the couple was a mess from the start if that was the case.

“Wait, did Ritsu _ really date _Ma-kun?” Leo asks.

Good point.

Arashi doesn’t know that as well.

Damn, Ritsu is really good at hiding his relationships.


	3. I Don't Want to Feel Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What a fool, Ritsu wants to call himself.
> 
> He's a coward.
> 
> He's a mess.
> 
> Why would anyone love him? Why would anyone care about him? Why would anyone even remotely be kind to him?
> 
> Ritsu doesn't know. Ritsu doesn't know the answer. He hates that fact. _**He's so useless.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! Yay!! Yay!!  
Last chapter!! It's finally edited and cleared out!! so!!  
Here it is!!  
I hope you enjoy!!

“You two _ really are _ moving back, huh?” Ritsu asks as they were packing their apartment up.

Mika and Arashi had found a pretty good place not far from either of their new workplaces. It was reasonable and worth the money so they didn’t have much of a complaint. Ritsu saw the place with them for some odd reason. They insisted him to follow along, Ritsu doesn’t know why.

Maybe they were expecting Ritsu to come home too.

It’s been a few months since that small escapade they did. All Ritsu remembers was how it felt weird but comforting at the same time. Everyone opening their doors and offering them a spot to rest easy. It felt rewarding to come home. Though, unlike Ritsu, Arashi and Mika decided that they had enough and needed to come home for good.

The last of the luggage gets pushed into the truck. Arashi and Mika were leaving today.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay on your own?” Arashi asks Ritsu who nods.

He didn’t want to go home just yet.

There were other things he had to do before finally come home. He can't just keep piggybacking on Arashi and Mika for the rest of his life. He's not a kid anymore. He can't keep expecting things to work out just because he wants to. He has to figure things on his own too.

Watching the car and truck leave, Ritsu heads back to his own apartment.

Ritsu can’t believe he actually managed to live on his own despite how deafening and desolate it feels to be alone. He’s already getting an offer to another company that was willing to take him somewhere near home but he doesn’t know if he should take it so soon. He hasn't even got a place to stay yet. He’s in disarray thanks to how fast-paced everything became after that stupid escapade.

Sighing to himself, Ritsu could stay with Mao but he shouldn’t. It’ll just be a bother, he thought even though the other will just kiss his forehead and gladly take him in. Ritsu doesn’t want to, he _ hasn’t even apologise for throwing everything away _. He couldn’t even say it that night he met him.

Lying on the floor, he wondered...

Were they even a thing? Maybe. Ritsu can’t tell anymore.

Is this what he gets for being a coward? Definitely.

Stopping himself from being himself completely, accommodating others just so they wouldn't leave him, letting people throw all sorts of things on him without a worry; yes, Ritsu is a big coward for not wanting to be actually happy for once. He can’t believe it but here he was, on his apartment floor, wondering if he’s making the right choices because they were _his choices_.

Ritsu is running away again.

He blames it on him for wearing his wedding suit again for a press conference. He forgot to iron his other suit so now he just opted to wear his wedding suit like an idiot, telling himself he’ll be alright even though that’s not true. He really is a big dumbass for being this way. He shouldn’t have done that but here he was anyway.

After the party, he just started driving into the main road.

God knows where he’s going but he just needs to get out of there. Driving mindlessly, he tries to find security in the familiar scenic route he took last time. It helps a little but really, it just drowns the shitty suicidal thoughts like the songs playing from the car radio.

“What am I doing?” Ritsu asks himself. He doesn’t know the answer. He’s just faced with silence. He’s just forced into thinking of an answer but he can’t find one. What on Earth was he doing? He doesn’t know, he’s just running away from some unknown problem that’s shaking him up from the inside.

He sees it.

The same beach he saw the first night.

Ritsu stumbles out of the car once he parked it. It’s ridiculous, he thought as he stepped into the sand. It’s the middle of autumn, it’s fucking freezing and yet here he was; in his wedding suit, laughing at the beach in the middle of the night. God, he really has gone crazy after that mess of a wedding.

He really should have done what his younger self always wanted to do; _ die _.

“I’m such a coward, I couldn’t even kill myself.”

It reminds him of high school; when he ran away to the beach because he felt everything was falling apart. Mao found out he never came home again and anxiously ran out of his house to find Ritsu. Poor guy, he really shouldn’t have chased Ritsu that night. Panickingly pulling Ritsu out of the sea and begging Ritsu to stay awake for a little longer. Ritsu didn’t deserve Mao, honestly.

He doesn’t deserve Arashi and Mika either.

They would drag Ritsu out of the bathroom when things got too eerily quiet. They would help fix his injuries even if some were self-inflicted. They never got mad or even tired of fixing Ritsu’s wounds, wiping his tears and comforting over the endless nightmares. They would even keep Ritsu in mind even after Ritsu had recovered enough to stand on his own two feet. Both of them were too kind for their own good.

Thinking about it, he doesn’t deserve his own brother as well.

Rei was too kind for constantly letting Ritsu make these foolish escapades, letting his older brother fix his bullshit even though he should be getting reprimanded for them. Always asking Kaoru to take good care of him even if it’s not necessary. Just like the other three, they comfort him through everything and let him throw as many fits as he wants. Really, they should have left him because taking care of him is undeniably difficult.

It’d be a shame to drown in this wedding suit; it’s too pure and sweet, unlike Ritsu who’s all gloomy and dark. It’s strange, he’s tempted to just take a step into the sea but he can’t. Something is stopping him.

Maybe it’s the fact he’s wondering how people would feel if he never came back home. How would people feel if they found his dead body in the sea, drowning in that lavish wedding suit he hated so much? Would people mourn or would they scorn at him once more? Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest.

He was never good at guessing people’s feelings towards him.

Taking off his shoes, he thinks one small step wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like there’s anyone stopping him. No one would be at the beach during this hour, he believes. It’d be ridiculous to come here at this hour, anyway. Though, a part of him wished there was.

Stepping into the cold water, he shivered a little. It's so cold, it felt like walking into ice. He waddles around the cold water, splashing it onto the side a little. He'll get used to the feeling, it won’t take long before he settles well with the freezing temperatures. A part of him feels he'll get too used to it and might consider just plunging completely into the cold sea. Though, he can't tell if that’s a good thing or not.

“_ I object. I’m not getting married, I’m so sorry. _”

Ritsu remembers how fast he ran out of the wedding hall, struggling to keep his breathing leveled. He remembers just grabbing the keys to the getaway car, driving far off with no clear idea of where to go. Screaming and crying as he drove off from the chapel. He only decided to crash Arashi and Mika’s place because he recognised the road he was driving into. Such a foolish kid, he wants to call himself when he thinks about it now.

The water looks too inviting.

He kind of gets Kanata when he says it’d be nice to float through the sea till the end of time. He kind of wants to do that too but he’s foolish for wanting to such a thing. Really, he can’t tell what he should do now.

Ah, he’s tired of thinking.

All he wants to do now is sleep.

Just as he feels himself lulled into sleep, he felt a hand grip him tightly. Pulling him out of the sea, his voice isn’t quite present. It’s all small strings of swear words and puffing.

Ritsu is slammed against the floor and called crazy.

“_Mao-- _”

“**_Don’t you ever value your life?!_ **”

Ah, Ritsu has always been avoiding Mao’s face since that argument. Afraid of reading Mao’s clear emotions that make him, well, _ him_. Ritsu shivers like the first time he dipped his feet into the cold sea earlier; Mao looks scared. He’s shaking a little as if he’s putting too much stress on the tight grip he has on Ritsu. It hurts a little, Ritsu winces when Mao drags Ritsu’s upper body up to make him sit halfway up.

“_Ritsu_\--Ritchan, oh God, why are you always like this?” Mao sounds so tired, why won't he leave Ritsu alone then if he’s so tired? Why is he here then? Ritsu wants to shout and argue how Mao has no use to pick him up anymore _ but he can’t _.

All that comes out of his mouth is just useless strangled noises. All that comes out of his mouth is stupid ramblings that don’t line up together well enough. He’s trying to get his thoughts through but nothing is right and it’s fucking ridiculous, why can’t he pull himself together and just stop being a coward? Why can’t he face Mao properly anymore? Why won’t he just properly explain anything?

Mao's expressions clearly indicates that he’s pitying Ritsu. Ritsu wants to shove Mao off and tell him to get lost but all he could manage is just weakly pushing him away. It doesn’t work obviously, Mao is still hoisting Ritsu up and dragging him far away from the sea. Ritsu can only struggle so much before he learns it’s useless. They don’t say anything until Ritsu is on the steps of the staircase and Mao whispers Ritsu’s name softly.

“Who told you--”

“_No one, _ I was here by myself.”

Ritsu stays quiet. Calculating his actions, weighing Mao's reactions towards each every action he makes, he doesn't know what seems right anymore. Ah, would it be okay to say this? That? Ritsu doesn't know anymore. He's always been too stupid for things like these.

It feels like centuries when either of them finally makes an attempt to speak. Even then, it gets disturbed by Mao’s phone. Mao has always had such shit timing, it makes Ritsu want to laugh a little. His phone always ruins these small moments they could finally be honest with themselves. What a shame, honestly...

“Sorry--Oh my God--Ritsu, I got distracted.” Mao shoves his phone as soon as he saw what the notification was. Ritsu laughs a little, Mao really hasn't changed. He still quickly tosses all of his work aside for Ritsu, really the person who should be asked whether or not they value their life is Mao. The way Mao selfishly shrugging everything for Ritsu no matter how hard Ritsu insists not to, it makes Ritsu feels like he’s using him. He doesn’t want to use Mao, it just wasn’t right.

“Ritsu?” Mao tries to get Ritsu’s attention. His face edging into Ritsu’s space, so close to Ritsu’s face. So close, Ritsu almost considers closing that gap between them but _ he doesn’t _. He couldn’t. It’d ruin everything and that’s not what Ritsu wants.

Ritsu wants to find a way to get a grip on himself.

“Mao, I’m lost.”

Ritsu spills everything; from the day he ran away from Mao till this disastrous state Mao manages to find him in. It’s a mess, he’s made countless escapades and yet it never solved anything. Every time he gets back and tries to fix all of those mistakes, it gets worse. Ah, why can’t he get anything right? He wonders why. Maybe it’s due to the fucking fact he can’t do anything? He’s a really useless person, can’t even take care of himself without even needing to break down completely. Really, what the hell is wrong with him? He wants to laugh but all that comes out is choked out sobs.

God, Mao must be tired of him.

Yet somehow, he isn’t.

All Mao does is help him get back into his car, settles him into the passenger seats and tells him to crash at Mao’s place for the night. Ritsu only nods and keeps his distance. They spend the drive back to Mao’s place in complete silence. He thinks about the weird questions he never could ask because he was far too busy being a dumb depressed adult than actually think about how strange it was for Mao to be there. What on earth was Mao doing there? How did he even get to the beach? Ritsu didn’t even see another car or even a bike. Did Mao run there or something? That sounds like something Mao would do, honestly.

Then again, what would Ritsu know? He doesn’t even know Mao that well anymore.

Mao’s apartment is warm. It feels so much like home despite being the only tenant aside from a cat. Mao helps Ritsu get out of his wedding suit, he’s always so careful when removing clothes off of Ritsu. He’s always careful with Ritsu, not wanting to break him. Ritsu wants to get mad at that fact but honestly, at this point, _ everyone treats Ritsu like this _. It can’t be helped, can it?

Mao’s clothes, they feel weird on Ritsu. They feel too soft and comforting to wear, Ritsu doesn’t know how to feel about wearing them. Ritsu can’t tell if Mao’s just gotten bigger or Ritsu’s gotten smaller but every article of clothing Mao manages to put on Ritsu, it slips off a little somehow. Ritsu laughs when Mao turns away out of embarrassment, there’s no use in trying to find a shirt that’ll properly fit. Ritsu doesn’t mind it, he says as Mao’s hands hover around his waist. He wonders why but before he could even ask about it, the other quickly retreats and tells him that Ritsu can take his bed while he sleeps on the couch.

Ritsu refuses Mao’s kindness and states he’s fine with sleeping on the couch. Mao pouts and says that Ritsu needs to sleep somewhere comfortable so he can get the proper rest he needs. Ritsu laughs and calls Mao childish, Ritsu won’t die from sleeping on the couch. Mao still refuses somehow, Ritsu doesn’t want to argue though. It really is just sleeping, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Ritsu _ doesn’t want it to be a big deal_.

Mao compromises it somehow.

He offers to sleep in the same bed but it feels awkward. They’re not kids anymore, it’s been _ years _ since they slept in the same bed. Ritsu feels uncertain if it’s okay to sleep in the same bed as Mao but Mao lures him into the bed. It’s been so long since this familiar scene occurred; slipping into Mao’s bed and seeing Mao’s tired face right next to his. Ritsu never realised how much he missed this. He missed the ability to creep into someone’s arms and feel safe for once. The way Mao just responds back with the same amount of tightness, maybe more, it feels reassuring.

Ritsu, for the first time in a long while, sleeps in peace.

It takes an entire army to finally convince Ritsu to come back home. By army, everyone just means Arashi and Mika. Arashi and Mika were the ones that forced Ritsu to _ finally face _ Mao and fix that mess they could honestly call a relationship. Arashi and Mika were the ones that finally convinced Ritsu to move in with Mao and come back home. It was such a grueling process, Mika thought.

To be honest, Mika blames it on Mao who hid the entire incident in secret.

No one knew Ritsu was actually staying for the weekend at Mao’s apartment until Arashi came over to hand over a book she borrowed. Instead of greeting Mao at the door, she finds Ritsu with an awkward smile. It takes Arashi a full 5 minutes to finally calm down about the entire fiasco. Even then, she was still seething as Ritsu awkwardly stands with Mao’s cat in his arms and Mao trying to calm her down.

Of course, it would spread around.

Before Mao and Ritsu knew it, _ all of their friends knew_. Asking them if they came back together, if Ritsu was coming home, if Ritsu was alright, how did they manage to get back together and so many more weird question that the two couldn’t answer properly. It takes Mao one swift motion to shut down all the questions and honestly, Ritsu finds that part of him a little terrifying. Regardless, the way everyone phrased the questions--it didn’t quite make sense.

“Are you guys finally back together?”

_ They never were dating, to begin with _.

“Are you alright, Ritsu?”

_ Ritsu reassures everyone that there’s nothing wrong with him. _

“How did you two meet again?”

_ A stupid winding story that’s not worth telling it seems. At least for now. _

“Are you coming home?”

The way Rei asks it, Mika knows he seems hopeful. Everyone is, really. Everyone misses Ritsu, they miss Ritsu who cheekily laughs as he messes around with people. Everyone misses Ritsu who would say things with a certain level of confidence and aloofness. The Ritsu that would bite the bullet and strive forward into the unknown because he wasn’t afraid. Though now, everyone knows deep down, he was actually terrified.

Ritsu looks unsure. The way he averts his gaze and thins his lips out, he seems reluctant to. He hasn’t thought about it but if he can, he’ll try to come back. Whether it be permanently or temporarily, that is something he’s not sure about.

Ritsu left quietly on Sunday, Mao told Mika and Arashi over coffee.

“You don’t think he’s coming back, don’t you?” Arashi asks, she can read Mao almost as well as Ritsu. Well, the Ritsu that was close to Mao. The current Ritsu probably can’t even read his own emotions, let alone Mao’s.

Mao shakes his head. He sighs a little as he talks about how he was happy throughout the entire weekend; Ritsu would _try _ to be himself. He’d spend time playing with Mao’s cat and laughing at Mao’s weird attempts on recipes he found online. Ritsu always shaking his head as he joins the other to cook. It felt strange to finally have Ritsu back in his space even if it was only temporary.

“I mean, _ I tried to get him to come back _ but Ritsu just seems so,”

“So what?”

“_ So scared _”

Mao wasn’t wrong. Even Arashi and Mika knew that. Ritsu kept calculating every move he made as if he did something wrong, everything around him will topple over. It must be something he learned from the time he spent away from everyone. It couldn’t be helped, Ritsu was stuck that way now. It’s not like he could unlearn such a thing.

Mika and Arashi only convinced him because he admitted it.

Ritsu did want to go home, that small getaway weekend to Mao, he missed it so much. 

Mika wouldn’t really call it conviction if the other _ already had plans to come back _ but Ritsu did and it was all because he needed someone to tell him it was okay to make this decision. He needed someone to tell him that it’s okay to finally live his life on his own terms. To finally smile brightly, speak loud and clear, and be able to finally be okay with himself. He wanted someone to tell him it’s okay.

“You hauled our asses back here, it’s only fair if we do the same with you, no?” Arashi smiles when Ritsu looks at the two of them.

They help him pack; it was odd to see Ritsu actually fret over his stuff getting packed away. It led to Mao and Rei explain to them that Ritsu had a tendency of actually losing items in between his packing when he does it on his own. Ritsu sits on the floor with a frown on his face, he can’t remember what he’s forgetting. He can’t tell what it was, he doesn’t know why he feels like he’s forgotten to pack something.

“Nothin’! Y’sure you forgot to pack somethin?” Mika stretches uncomfortably, packing is always difficult. He’s surprised Arashi and Ritsu aren’t bothered so much about it but he guesses it’s because Arashi maintains her physique while Ritsu has probably developed those muscles out of the number of times he’s _ physically runned off _ from his problems. Really, Mika will forever remain the weakest out of three. It’s unfair, he wanted to complain.

Ritsu scratches his head in frustration.

He was sure it was somewhere in the house. Why can’t he remember it now? Why was his memory failing him now of all times? Really, nothing goes quite right for Ritsu.

“Ritsu-chan, was it something important?”

Ritsu thinks hard and starts nodding slowly. Ah, it seems like he can remember what it was now. Mika was pretty curious about what item was it that got Ritsu so worked up, it must be _ hella important _. Arashi looks at Mika before staring back at Ritsu, maybe sharing the same sentiment.

“Your engagement ring?”

“You still kept it?!”

Ritsu shows an expression that clearly indicates that he knew this was coming. He tries to explain but gets cut off by Arashi claiming that Ritsu didn’t need to worry about such things. It was useless keeping such sentiments like those around his house. Leave the Goddamn ring, Arashi kept saying as Mika nods repeatedly. It seems that didn’t stop him.

“No, I have to find it.”

Really, Ritsu is stubborn.

A mover finds it underneath a box they were moving. Ritsu thanks him and slips back on his ring finger. Mika and Arashi wonder why, they don’t want to press any further so they leave it be for the time being. The movers head ahead first as the other three board into Ritsu’s car. Ritsu calls Mao to inform about the movers and how Ritsu is probably going to hang about with Arashi and Mika first before heading home.

Mika finds it surprising how easy it was for Ritsu and Mao to adjust back into each other’s lives.

Arashi calls it fate while Mika calls it pure luck.

The drive back, it feels vaguely like _that night_. Mika stares out of the window as the street lights pass by and Arashi sleeps soundly in an awkward position due to the seat. Ritsu is silent throughout the entire drive, he has a slightly tight grip as he wearily blinks.

“It’s obvious that I changed, right?” Ritsu suddenly says.

He isn’t sparing a single glance at Mika but he can tell the other is awkwardly nodding; almost unsure if it was safe to admit his worries over the older. It feels so much like _ that night _, the way Ritsu sighs to himself a little. The air feels a little heavier when Ritsu says that, Mika wants to say. Ritsu looks like he wants to say more but doesn’t know if he should.

“Is there a reason why you’re keeping that ring?”

“My ex-fiance never gave me one.”

Mika found that part odd. If it’s not his ex-fiance’s, then whose was it? Mika thought for a moment, Ritsu patiently waiting for Mika finally figure the picture out. It seems Ritsu’s laughing a little, like this entire situation was one big game. How mean, Mika thought.

_ Ah, could it be?_

“Mao-kun?”

Ritsu nods, he’s laughing at how long it took Mika to figure it out. He’s laughing so much it startles Arashi awake. She demands what’s going on which only lures her into Ritsu’s trap. Guessing who gave Ritsu the engagement ring. Really, Ritsu can be sly as hell sometimes. Arashi puffs her cheeks as she complains about how Ritsu forces her into his mind games _ right after _ waking her up.

It also takes Arashi a while but when she does get it right, she gasps in confusion.

“You guys aren’t even dating yet--”

“_I lied _, dumbass. Mao gave me this ring a long time ago.”

Ritsu talks about how it’s more or less a promise ring that Mao gave before Ritsu got caught in that disaster. That’s why they were arguing about the arranged marriage, it only made sense for Mao to be frustrated because he kept clinging onto Ritsu so tightly. Hoping to God that Ritsu would be able to stay and be with him but things don’t always work in Ritsu’s favours. He only broke it off with Mao before things escalated for Mao’s sake. Just so Mao wouldn’t feel hurt when he sees Ritsu at the wedding, holding onto someone else’s hands, not his.

“But you didn’t get married in the end,” Mika stated, Arashi nodding in agreement.

Ritsu laughs a little before calling them dumbasses again.

“This was when I was _ pretty certain _ I was going to go through the entire wedding and marriage.”

Ritsu tells them of how slow and grueling the entire process was; from the smiles his extensive family gave him, finally proud of him to the amount of times he finds himself hurling out his guts in the bathroom after dinner. It was _just that difficult_ trying to stay in a house with someone Ritsu didn’t love in any way. He wasn’t familiar with the other at all. Trying to trace patterns, personality, intentions; all of that was difficult. He couldn’t find a single thing that he liked about the other. It honestly was like dying a slow _slow_ **_slow_** death.

Hence why he took the chance to run out of the wedding.

It was the only way out.

“Did you tell Mao-chan all of this?”

“Obviously. He seemed understanding about the entire mess, I’m surprised.”

Mika shrugs and states how he got it too. Ritsu must’ve really hated the entire situation, that’s why Mika’s glad that Ritsu finally decided to come home. Ritsu laughs at Mika’s optimism and yearns for such a trait. He wishes to be as optimistic as Mika while Arashi jokes how optimistic quotes in Ritsu’s monotonous voice sound so dreary so she rather Ritsu stay the way he was. She had a point, Mika joked along.

They spend the entire drive like that.

Laughing and joking about each other and their many flaws. It felt good, honestly. Seeing Ritsu laugh and smile freely like that. No longer that conscious about himself anymore. They weren’t feeling like they were being chased by their problems anymore. Especially not Ritsu, he seemed to be living happily now. It felt so strange because he swore, earlier that year, all three of them thought such a lucky thing like this could never happen.

Mika and Arashi smile when Ritsu jump hugs Mao as soon as he arrives at the apartment. Everyone is cheering loudly at the sight of the two finally back together. The party is a success, they’re all just laughing and dancing with each other. Ritsu stumbles with his words a little but at least he tries to communicate, unlike last time. He’s laughing with Koga about a thing they did in university. It was strange to see how comfortable Ritsu was.

Mika doesn’t dwell on that thought so much because as soon as he steps in, he’s being whisked away by Subaru to do some sort of weird food combinations competition while Arashi is offered a dance with Adonis.

The party winds down one way or another, Ritsu finds Arashi and Mika hanging around the balcony. Drinks in their hands and they’re chatting idly about something, Ritsu budges in anyway. Wanting to be a bother to them, he thought.

“Don’t mind if I join, right?” Neither of them refuse Ritsu. They offer him a spot in between each other as they look over the city. It wasn’t much of a sight but hey, at least it was something to look at. They all have pretty much looked at too many people up close enough for today, they deserve the right to just stare into nothing for a while. Ritsu hears Mika hum a little, Arashi hums along too and before they knew it, they’re all humming for no reason.

“Hey, Ritsu-kun, did’ya know we wished for something when ya were still sad n’stuff?”

Ritsu shakes his head.

Arashi talks about rummaging through Ritsu things with Mika one day because Ritsu apparently let him, though Ritsu doesn’t really remember that. Arashi remembered watching Mika uncover endless sketches, half-written songs, and many other things. It seemed Mika was right all along; _ Ritsu hadn’t changed much _. He just lacked the ability to continue them. The sole cause of it was obvious; some of the songs look crumpled up and knowing what kind of mess Ritsu had gotten himself into, this was definitely thrown into the trash. He didn’t continue them because he couldn’t find a way to continue them anymore.

Ritsu laughed and called them amazing for being able to connect the dots that quickly. So early too. Ritsu hadn’t told them what it was like living with that asshole yet. He wanted to applaud them for that, he thought.

“So what did you two wish for?”

“_ For you to be happy. _”

Cheesy and stupid wish, Ritsu thought at first but it was nice to hear such a wish. Ritsu smiled at the two, he really owed it to these two idiots that hauled his ass and took care of it until he finally decided to come to his senses. He really could never stop thanking them for everything they’ve done. Ritsu thanks them once more, even if it’s not enough.

“Do you think that wish came true?” Ritsu asks, standing up.

It was almost time to clean up, Ritsu better head back in so he could help Mao clean up the mess. After all, Mao always ends up putting off cleaning until he either has a guest or Ritsu tells him to. Sometimes, Ritsu wonders who’s a slob; him or Mao? Really, Ritsu wants to roll his eyes at the other.

Mika wonders if that wish came true too.

“Of course it did, if not none of us would be here.”

Arashi was right. Like always.

It did come true; in fact, they were all happy with themselves now. This was enough. Arashi was right. This was enough for them to be happy with themselves.

They head back into the apartment, rejoicing about it to everyone who looks at them confusedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tempted to write another chapter relating to maybe just maoritsu or maybe more abt ritsuaramika and how they are post this entire disaster  
maybe I'll shove it in a separate fic lol  
thank you for reading!!  
I hope you enjoyed the entire piece!!


	4. Call me Sweetly Once More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Mao. Mao. Mao. **Mao**._
> 
> That's all Ritsu ever calls Mao.
> 
> Mao wants, embarrassingly enough, Ritsu to call him _Ma-kun_ for a change.
> 
> Is that too much to ask for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo Grossnoona here  
I actually wanted to put this in a separate fic but (gestures) why not add it in here anyway since it's the same au just after the mess  
I would say this is post-ritsu's runaways stop but it hasn't been _that long_ so abt 3-4 months after Ritsu settles in with Mao so yea  
also I just feel bad bc the maoritsu isn't as apparent as I hoped it was;;  
Enjoy!!

_ “Mao, can you buy cat food on your way home?” _

He could dismiss it for the first few weeks.

_ “Do you know where the remote is, Mao?” _

Maybe Ritsu hasn’t gotten around getting comfortable yet.

_ “Hey, Mao, let’s do this.” _

Maybe Ritsu doesn’t know how Mao would respond to him yet.

_ “Mao, are you okay?” _

** _Mao_**. That’s what Ritsu calls Mao now. _ Mao_. 

Mao doesn’t hate it. In fact, growing up, Mao has always loved how his name sounds in Ritsu’s voice. Though, the difference from then and now is the fact that Mao's name was only reserved during serious or intimate settings when they were younger. Now, Mao’s name is being used over his nickname; _ Ma-kun_. That nickname, Mao hadn't heard it in a few years. Ritsu, he stopped using it ever since the start of that arranged marriage mess. Not that Mao should be bothered but he kind of hoped that after the mess had been sorted out, he would hear Ritsu call him by that nickname again.

That doesn’t seem to be the case.

Maybe Ritsu had forgotten? Though he doubts so. That night at the Tsukinaga house, Ritsu called him _ Ma-kun _ but that was the only time he ever called Mao that nickname. Ever since that night Mao found Ritsu at the beach, shivering in his wedding suit, he kept calling Mao by his name. Nothing more than that. No honorific titles or anything. Just _ Mao_.

Honestly, Mao didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t know what to feel that night nor did he know why he did what he did. Why did he meddle himself into Ritsu’s _ almost _ final moments and drag him back to his house? What exactly was he expecting Ritsu to do? Just find a way to integrate back into Mao’s environment? Maybe. Maybe not. Mao doesn’t know actually. He isn’t so sure what he was thinking that entire moment, honestly. From the moment he grabbed and slammed Ritsu against the sand floor to the sight of Ritsu’s tired-ridden face next to his in bed; he had no clear idea why he did those things.

Even now, he isn’t so sure why he agreed to keep staying with Ritsu when Ritsu had built such a difficult wall to climb over.

Ritsu doesn’t call Mao by his nickname anymore. That nickname--the one that Mao has always selfishly held onto. _ Ma-kun _ , that silly easily made nickname that Mao would refuse anyone else to call him. _ Ma-kun _ , something that Mao wants to hear escape Ritsu’s mouth in any form of emotion. _ Ma-kun _, Mao wants to be called like that once more. He used to wonder if this kind of day would happen but now it has, Mao has learned he hates it. It sounds like Ritsu sees him as a stranger, a distant friend, an acquaintance.

Mao doesn’t want to be any of those things.

To be frank, Mao doesn’t know how to approach this kind of thing. How does he tell Ritsu how he feels about that lack of closeness? ‘_Hey, call me Ma-kun again_,’ isn’t something that could be easily said. If anything, that’d make things even more complicated. Forcing his feelings onto Ritsu, Mao would never want to do that. He can’t imagine how uncomfortable Ritsu would feel, even if he does want to call Mao by that nickname. Mao can only imagine but even then, he doesn’t think he can accurately depict Ritsu’s true reaction to such a demand. It’d probably be bad anyway.

Accurately depict Ritsu, that’s something Mao was never good at. He knows that. Their arguments were clear depictions of that. Mao can never quite understand how Ritsu thinks; it doesn’t help that Mao isn’t quite clear with his intentions either. Though, over time, Mao has probably learned his lesson. If he kept not being clear with things, it’ll surely just lead to more messes. More messes mean more time wasted and Mao couldn’t handle that. Yet somehow with Ritsu, he kept being unclear. He kept hiding away his thoughts, selfishly throwing his feelings away for Ritsu when that’s not Ritsu wants.

_ “Ma-kun, why won’t you tell me if you hate me or not?” Ritsu asks, lip trembling and hands tightly clenching and unclenching on his lap. _

_ “Because I don’t.” Mao was being honest, he remembered that. Though, why was Ritsu mad that day? Mao can’t quite recall properly. _

_ “Then why do you keep getting mad at me, telling me you’re too busy for me?” _

_ Ah, right. He messed up. Big time too. Mao kept pushing Ritsu away, even when he offered to help. Telling him crude things, tossing him away because he kept thinking that Ritsu needed to get a grip and mature but yet, it was Mao who wasn’t very good at getting a grip and be mature during the entire situation. He remembered that was the very first time he ever made Ritsu lock him out of Ritsu's room, screaming at him to leave already. He remembered that was the very first time Ritsu cried so hard, he couldn’t heal those puffy eyes overnight. _

_ Ah, Mao remembered how much he hated the face Ritsu made the next morning; puffy eyes and discomfort when Mao hovered around him. Mao remembered how much he apologised, kissing Ritsu and telling him how much Mao loved him in between those kisses. _

“_ Mao _.”

Ritsu's voice cuts his thoughts in half. The name makes the cut cold. Yikes, he feels like he’s going to shiver because Ritsu’s flat expression makes it _ even colder_. Did he daze in between Ritsu talking? Did he ignore Ritsu’s question? Mao doesn’t know, he hums to indicate that Ritsu has his attention now. Though, a part of him is already flying into the sun for even thinking about wanting to grab Ritsu’s hand. Just to you know, assure him or something? No, that’s cheesy. Don’t be ridiculous, Mao.

“You’re sighing. Is there something wrong?” Ritsu tilts his head. That tilt makes Mao realise that his hair has gotten a little longer, fringe already covering his right eye a little. Before Mao goes into another round of dreaming stupid cheesy things he wants to do to Ritsu, he answers the question.

“I was sighing?” Isara Mao is not very good at answering questions. Ritsu sighs and rolls his eyes, clearly showing displeasure over such an answer. He must’ve expected that answer then. Does that mean it’s the wrong answer, then? If Mao was Ritsu, then most definitely the wrong answer.

Ritsu frowns a little, telling Mao how he lacks self-awareness. He lacks so much of it, he can’t even tell that he’s been sighing almost half-way through breakfast. Ritsu makes a shitty joke about how it feels like Mao sighed so much, his breakfast manages to go cold due to time then getting warm back thanks to his constant sighing. Ah, was it that long? Mao can’t help but have his mouth hang open due to how stupid he feels.

“Sorry, I’ve just been thinking about stuff.”

“What stuff?”

Mao doesn’t know how to go about this situation. Ritsu still as Ritsu as ever, the way he rests his chin on his knuckles, looking at him in concern. Mao knows Ritsu hasn’t changed much _but _ Mao can’t just admit he’s been thinking about how bothered he is that one of the few aspects of Ritsu that has changed, _ it’s one of his favourite aspects_. He can’t just say that. It’ll not only strike more uncomfortable questions. It’ll veil such an uncomfortable silence during breakfast. Mao doesn’t want that. He has to think of another answer fast.

“Work?” Mao tries to answer.

“Why do you sound so unsure?”

_ Shit_. Ritsu is too good at this kind of interrogation. Maybe his ex-fiance cheated at some point. No, that’s too mean of Mao to think of that situation even though _ he does hate the guy_.

“Ah, nono, I just--well, I just think you’d find it boring to talk about work?” Mao tries to explain. It’s true, though. Ritsu doesn’t like talking about work often. If possible, Ritsu would like to keep the working topic saved for only dire situations like huge bad events that happened at work or something _ really good _ happened at work. Mao gets it, Ritsu doesn’t want work to eat him whole though his actions do say something different.

Ritsu drags a long ‘_eh_’ as he sinks into the seat. He agrees with Mao before shoving toast into his mouth, he calls Mao a little crazy to be thinking about work on a weekend. Not even Ritsu can do such a thing even though he brought some unfinished projects home. Though, he wonders if Mao will be okay. Mao reassures him and promises him that he’ll tell him if anything bad happens.

“Woah! Sarii, did you get _ any sleep _ last night?!”

Did he look that bad? Mao dreads at his reflection, oh my God. He doesn’t look good at all. Has these thoughts and memories of Ritsu cursed him to be nocturnal like Ritsu? Though, Mao must say Ritsu is not _ exactly nocturnal _ . The guy still sleeps, though late at night. Poor guy. More importantly, poor Mao. He doesn’t have a health record like Ritsu to blame on his lack of sleep. All he can blame it on is his stupid brain for making him stare into space about how much he wants the person laying next to him to call him _ Ma-kun _.

He whines as his friends circle around him.

Okay, he didn’t exactly whine about Ritsu per se but he did whine how his thoughts have plagued him. His friends _ immediately _ assume it’s about work and scold him for his work ethics. Legit concern, legit scolding. Mao cannot stop them from that but at the same time, _ that’s the wrong topic_. He lets it happen anyway because he _ should _ be focusing on his work, not this. Though, his brain begs to differ.

His brain _ really does beg to differ _.

This goes on for weeks. Maybe almost a month.

_ Mao_. _ Mao_. ** _Mao_**. He’s tired of it. He’s tired of his name for some odd reason. He’s tired of Ritsu calling him _ Mao _. Can’t he just call Mao something else? Why was he calling Mao as if he was some stranger? He still calls all of his friends by their nicknames; why won’t he call Mao by his? Mao wants to be called affectionately too. Why won’t Ritsu realise that?

“You’re bothered about something.”

Mao is definitely trapped, Ritsu is on his stomach because Mao refused to talk to him until Ritsu decided to sit on him. Ritsu has a pretty body, very easy to hold onto. Mao wants to touch it but knowing Ritsu, even without this context, still wouldn’t allow Mao to be so sly which is expected. Mao always has many tricks to avoid Ritsu’s wrath but it can’t be helped. Ritsu is too easy to trick. Though, _ that’s beside the point_. Ritsu is glaring daggers at him as he sheepishly laughs.

“I look bothered?”

“Don’t lie to me, something is up.”

Ritsu really is difficult to go against. Mao had an easier time tricking his past partners into believing him that he’s fine but Ritsu, he refuses to believe them until Mao can _ properly _ prove him that he’s fine. Tricking Ritsu with kisses and hugs is easy but tricking Ritsu with his words, that was something he could never master. Ritsu uses his legs to squish Mao’s stomach, it leaves Mao laughing and in pain. Really, Ritsu is unfair.

Ritsu keeps insisting Mao to tell him what’s bothering him.

“I’m fine,_ I swear!_”

“No, you’re not. You’re lying and _I_ _know it_.”

Ritsu is harsh and stubborn but so is Mao. Mao keeps insisting that he’s fine because he knows just opening about such a topic will lead to weird bad outcomes but even now, it’s a bad outcome. He thought he had long trained his face to not let such bothersome thoughts crack through but it seems that that won’t work on Ritsu. Ritsu will always see beyond the faces he pulls to prevent troublesome worries. Mao might wanna blame it on the fact Ritsu lives with Mao so he can _ obviously tell_.

“Mao, tell me, _ please_.” Ritsu’s voice sounds so worried, Mao doesn’t want to hear that. He tries to sit up, Ritsu lets him yet somehow the other is still on him. Mao can’t say anything about that, mainly because he enjoys it to an extent. Still, _ that’s beside the point_.

Mao opens and closes his mouth a couple of times. Trying to rearrange his thoughts about the situation and Ritsu. Ritsu waits impatiently, arms crossed and cheeks puffed. Mao wants to kiss that face pretty badly, how unfair. Ritsu really does like to test him, huh? He sighs and tries to admit it. All he has been thinking about is just Ritsu.

Ritsu tilts his head in confusion, asking Mao if Ritsu has done anything unsatisfactory. No, he hasn’t. It’s just Mao who has been bothered by the absence of his nickname. He says that quickly and embarrassed. He can’t justify the want to be called _ Ma-kun _ other than the fact he misses such a nickname. It’s stupid and selfish, isn’t it? To want to be called such a childish nickname? Mao wonders if Ritsu will be able to accept this selfish answer.

Ritsu’s lips thin out, his gaze averted from Mao; ah, did he mess it up? He can’t tell anymore.

“_Ma-kun,_” Ritsu says it so softly, had Mao not been so focused on Ritsu, he swears it would have been written off as a meek whimper. Ritsu’s face is red, almost a similar shade to Mao’s hair. Ritsu looks just as embarrassed as Mao at this point, he’s almost unsure if going along with Mao was a good idea. To Ritsu, maybe it wasn’t but to Mao, it made his heart feel squeezed.

“_Ritchan_,” Mao says back. Ritsu looks up, cheeks still red and eyes darting everywhere else _ but _ Mao. Ah, he loves this face so much. He leans into Ritsu’s space, so close their foreheads are touching. He loves Ritsu so much.

“Can I kiss you?”

A small nod is enough of a permission for Mao to finally close _that stupid gap_ he’s been meaning to close for months now. He’s missed this, _ he’s missed Ritsu _. Ritsu probably misses him too, Mao isn’t so sure but judging the way Ritsu holds him tightly, that’s enough of a confirmation that these dancing feelings aren’t one-sided. He doesn’t know how they’re going to label themselves but surely, they’ll figure that out later. Right now, all Mao wants to keep thinking about is the way Ritsu giggles and turns red at Mao’s sudden influx of affection.

_ “Ma-kun, get off me--I have work._

Mao can’t help but smile every time he hears it.

_ “Goodnight, Ma-kun” _

Mao finds himself, holding the other closely each time that nickname is uttered.

_ “Ma-kun, come here.” _

Mao can’t help but kiss Ritsu every time he hears the nickname. Ritsu smacks him for it but it’s fine, it’s not like dinner was burnt so why worry? Ritsu surely will get Mao’s cat to terrorize his feet while he’s sleeping today. He just knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be honest, I never really gave much input on Mao throughout the chapters in this au (before this one) and it's mainly bc it was from mainly Ritsu's pov so obvs he wouldn't know how Mao has been doing lol  
It's up to you how and what Mao was doing throughout the entire thing (tho I did give a vague idea how he was feeling during some parts)  
anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!!  
Thank you for reading!!


	5. I Found What I've been Looking For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year has passed. Ritsu didn't realise that until he wakes up shivering from a nightmare.  
Ritsu hadn't realised how different life is now.
> 
> Ritsu hadn't realised how easy it is to breathe now.  
Mao kisses Ritsu's forehead before taking his hand and whispering;
> 
> “_Marry me._”
> 
> Ritsu tries his best to stride into the future of the unknown with Mao in hand.  
It's hard but it'll work out somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo grossnoona heree  
Okay this is weird to have two extra chapters but basically, this is the original extra chapter  
I only made the prev chapter bc I thought writing this huge monster of a chapter would be weird bc this takes place a year after this mess and Mao and Ritsu weren't really together until the prev chap??  
Anyway, I decided to write a wedding chapter bc hoenstly?? Ritsu deserves happiness in this au--he's suffered enough  
[EDIT: I've edited _the entire piece_ so there's a couple of new lines??]  
So I hope you enjoy!!

God, he is shaking--_ he’s so fucking afraid_. He can’t stop shaking. Oh god. Oh man. Why won’t he stop shaking? Ritsu wondered too. Maybe this is a dream? If it is, it feels more like a nightmare. _ Ah, he wants to hurl his guts out_.

Ritsu hears someone knocking on the big heavy pristine white doors--they’re asking Ritsu to come out.

“_It’s time_,” they say as Ritsu shakes his head. He doesn’t want to go. _ No. Please. Ritsu doesn’t want to go. _

Ritsu feels his own body move, he doesn’t like it. It’s terrifying. Ah, he recognises the interior--he knows where he is. _ This is bad. This is very bad. _ ** _Please stop moving, Ritsu_**_. _

** _This place isn’t safe_**.

The wedding looks so pretty; cream and blue shades decorate the big hall, gushes about the grandiose event, sweet coos over the couple. Ritsu wonders if they knew how unfitting everything was in reality. Nothing fits Ritsu here. They clash too harshly against Ritsu.

** _Ritsu hates it_**.

The only comfort Ritsu can remotely find in this God-forsaken place is his brother and Kaoru, huh? _ That sucks_. Ritsu probably can find _ some comfort _ in his parents but what can they do? All of them; they can only smile sadly, push Ritsu’s fringe aside and kiss his forehead. They can only give so much comfort--Ritsu hates that.

The wedding is overwhelming. The sound of the piano as he walks past the door; it makes everything so enclosed and tight--_ too many people are _ ** _fucking staring at him_**. Their faces blur as Ritsu feels as though his vision spins. He hates this. Take him out of this hell. He doesn’t want to get married--at least not to that fuck, fake smiling at him as he walks to the altar. _ Disgusting_. _ Ritsu wants to throw his bouquet at that fuck’s face--no way is he going to let that happen_.

Just as Ritsu considers that this is a dream so that means he can do _whatever the hell he wants_, he gets held back. Too many hands pulling him back so he stays still, too many voices whisper Ritsu, too blurry of a view for Ritsu to actually pluck _those fucking hands_ _off him_. Ritsu can’t breathe again, he can’t tell what’s happening.

“_ Ritsu-- _”

** _Ritsu wakes up_**.

Ritsu quickly sits up and feels a hand rubbing his back. He reacts too quickly--slapping Mao’s hand out of reflex. Ritsu didn’t mean it, he swears. He didn’t mean, Ritsu tries to say that but it gets caught in his throat when he sees Mao stare at the slapped hand. _ Ah, he messed up. He messed up, didn’t he? Fuck. He doesn’t want Mao to get-- _

Ritsu feels Mao touching his face softly, whispering _ I’m sorrys _as Ritsu bawls again. He didn’t mean it, he swears--he thought he saw someone else. He didn’t want to hurt Mao, he swears. His brain tries to find a concrete reason to give Mao but all that floats up feels ridiculous and pathetic.

Mao shakes his head, there’s no need to give him a reason. Saying it was a nightmare was enough for him, Mao kisses Ritsu’s forehead before offering him to sleep in Mao’s arms. Ritsu rests his head on Mao’s chest, mumbling about how it’s so stupid that a wedding is haunting his dreams.

Mao laughs a little, it does sound odd but Ritsu’s fear over such a thing is still valid.

“It wasn’t _ your _ wedding--how many times do I have to tell you that?” Mao says, slipping down to be at eye level with Ritsu. Holding Ritsu’s face, he tells Ritsu that the wedding was never his, to begin with. There’s no need to worry about it anymore. Ritsu was never going to marry that asshole. Ritsu is far from him. No one will take Ritsu away from Mao, he says as he places a kiss on Ritsu’s forehead.

Ritsu laughs, feeling slightly better. Mao never stops telling Ritsu stupid things like this even though it’s been nearly a year since _ that _ happened, huh? He’ll just keep reminding Ritsu until the end of time. Whispering Ritsu’s favourite three words, kissing Ritsu softly and always reminding Ritsu that there’s nothing to worry about anymore. Ritsu is far away from those kinds of things.

Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that Mao is in love with Ritsu.

_ It really is hard_.

Ritsu wonders how Mao is _s__o in love _with Ritsu. What did Ritsu do to deserve Mao’s love? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu feels so warm when he sees Mao. It makes every ugly thought he’s had on his way home, disappear. The feeling of Mao hugging him with his entire weight, the way Mao kisses Ritsu deep into the couch and the overall feeling of Mao just in his space even when their bodies aren’t linked up to each other; Ritsu wonders how Mao can continuously shower him with love? It amazes him.

Ritsu thinks it feels so different from his before this. Those gloomy feelings disappear when Mao hugs him tightly. Ritsu really didn't think such a thing could happen to him.

“_Love isn’t supposed to hurt_.”

Ritsu knew that yet he kept telling himself, he’ll find a way to love his ex-fiancee. Even after he finds himself sobbing on the bathroom floor, Ritsu kept echoing his parents’ words, “_I__t’s okay, you’ll get used to it_.”

Ritsu never could. Ritsu didn’t know how. That cursed house, it was loud. It was loud in a different way from when Mao’s apartment. It was loud when Ritsu makes a mistake. It was loud when Ritsu hears the front door slammed shut. It was loud when Ritsu would try to scream back, argues fly here and there. It would always end with Ritsu quietly slipping into bed after the other had long gone to bed.

Sleeping in that house,_ it felt so cold _.

“_ Love is meant to be warm _.”

For a moment, Ritsu thought_ warm _ was the burning sensation in Ritsu’s cheeks. Ritsu thought _ warm _ was the hot tears Ritsu used to cry at home when he was all alone. Ritsu thought _ warm _ was a weird burning sensation he felt in his body when his ex-fiancee forced himself into Ritsu. Ritsu thought _ warm _ was the feeling of blood rushing to clot his wounds. Ritsu thought ** _warm_ ** meant enduring _ unbearable pain _.

“_Was that love? _” Ritsu used to ask himself when he’s sprawled on the pristine marble floor. The only answer he’d always receive was silence.

** _Deafening silence_**.

“_Love is meant to be comforting._”

Comforting. Such a thing didn’t exist there. Ritsu knew that. What kind of comfort could Ritsu find? It was the most comfortable when no one was home except Ritsu. Ritsu was the most comfortable when no one was there, all Ritsu had was the small stream of noise from the outdoors. Ritsu was the most comfortable when the only form of disturbance was the deafening silence that Ritsu had gone used to overtime.

_ Yea, the most comfortable Ritsu has ever been in that house was when no one was around_.

_ “He’s meant to shower you with love _.”

Shower Ritsu with love? Ritsu’s ex-fiancee never did any of those things. “_ You’re useless _ ”, “ _ Ignore him--he’s just emotional _ ”, “ _ Why are you always embarrassing to be with? _”--those words were never laced with love. Ritsu doesn’t see an ounce of it. Maybe Ritsu failed to see the love he poured in his actions? Ritsu couldn’t tell. Ritsu honestly tried to find it but there was none of it. He was sure of it. What was everyone else in his family saw that he could not? Ritsu doesn’t know.

Is it really love if all the other ever did to Ritsu was instill fear? Ritsu seriously couldn’t tell anymore.

“_Love is happiness_.”

**No, it wasn’t happiness at all**.

“** _Ritsu_ ** **.**”

Mao. Mao is different. Ritsu knew that. Ritsu knew Mao is _very _ different.

The way Mao cups Ritsu’s cheeks softly. Whispering questions as if he raised his voice even a little, it could break Ritsu. Kissing Ritsu’s forehead, telling him that it wasn’t his fault whenever he dropped something. Mao carries Ritsu away from his messes so he can examine Ritsu’s hands from injuries--he never scolds or hits Ritsu for his stupid mistakes.

“_ It’s not your fault, we can always buy a new one _.”

Mao is warm. Mao is very warm. He lures Ritsu into his space. Always whining when Ritsu leaves even for a minute. He always kisses Ritsu until they’re breathless and giggling as if Ritsu was gone for so long. Mao wraps Ritsu up in his arms, whispering _ I love yous _ into Ritsu’s shoulder as they watch late-night dramas that they’ll critique terribly. Mao is warm. Ritsu loves Mao’s warmth.

One minute in silence without Mao is too much for Ritsu. Ritsu will always burrow himself into Mao who laughs at Ritsu’s immense need to stick with Mao.

Mao seems to like making Ritsu feel comfortable. _ A whole lot_. Out of pure habit, he’ll ask Ritsu if he’s okay even though he doesn’t have to. Questioning Ritsu if it’s true that Ritsu wants to continue doing _ anything _ they’re doing. He’d always stop kissing-- _ just as his hand has snuck underneath Ritsu’s shirt _ \--so he could ask Ritsu if he’s sure he wants to continue this. Ritsu would always joke around but Mao _ always means it seriously _.

“_Y__es--If it’s Ma-kun, I’m fine with anything_,” Ritsu would always say, brushing Mao’s hair aside.

Ritsu always wakes up to Mao kissing him all the way to the bathroom. Ritsu’s lips don’t get a break, he swears. Mao wants to kiss Ritsu until he gets lightheaded. Mao loves kissing Ritsu when he wakes up, after breakfast, when they part ways for work, when they come back home from work, and before bed. Mao once said that he practically just lives off Ritsu’s kisses. How? Ritsu doesn’t know. It makes him laugh.

“_You’re ridiculous_,” Ritsu says as he kisses Mao who rests his head on his lap.

Mao makes Ritsu really happy. He really does. He’s everything Ritsu could ever want. Then why? Why is it that Ritsu backs away _ immediately _ when Mao asks him to marry him?

_ Ritsu doesn’t know_.

“_I--I’m sorry, I just-- _ ** _I can’t_**.”

Mao frowns but remains understanding. Kissing Ritsu’s cheek, whispering Ritsu can take as much time as he wants. Mao won’t rush him, he swears. Ritsu nods but he stiffens a little when Mao kisses for some odd reason. Why is he afraid of Mao, all of a sudden?

Mao is safe. Ritsu shouldn’t be scared of him. Mao won’t hit Ritsu. Mao won’t hurl sharp words at him. Then why is he so afraid? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu can’t figure out why. The words to explain aren’t there and it’s frustrating.

It takes Ritsu all day to find the answer.

Only when they’re in bed, just as Mao is kissing Ritsu goodnight. Ritsu finds the answer when he holds the hem of Mao’s shirt and hears Mao’s hum.

“_What would happen if I run away from the wedding? _”

Ritsu hears Mao stop breathing for a moment. He probably didn’t consider that kind of incident until Ritsu said it. What would happen if Ritsu runs away from their wedding? That’s a good question. Though, Mao doubts how likely it is. It doesn’t seem possible to Mao. Mao confidently believes Ritsu wouldn’t run away from their wedding.

Ritsu asks why.

“_That day--you ran away because you didn’t love him, right? _”

Ritsu nods. Mao cups Ritsu’s face and kisses his forehead.

“_Then what about me? Don’t you love me? _”

Ritsu averts his gaze away from Mao. He does. He really does. He stutteringly nods as Mao laughs. Mao tells him not to force himself; Ritsu always kisses him even if those three words never form properly in his throat. Mao wonders why, though? Is Ritsu afraid Mao won’t reply back?

“_ Could it be you find saying _ ** _I love you_ ** _ weird? _”

Ritsu doesn't know. Mao laughs. Ritsu wants to say _ I love you _ to Mao. Endlessly. Yet. _ He can’t_. No matter how hard he tries, _ he can’t push out those three favourite words_. No matter how much he wants to say those three words out, _ they won’t leave his throat_. Ritsu wants to kiss Mao and whisper _ I love you _ but _ those words--they’re stuck_. Ritsu tries so hard but ** _he can’t say I love you for some fucking odd reason_**. It’s annoying. It’s stupid.

_ Why is that he can’t say such a simple phrase that Mao can easily say to Ritsu? _

That thought plagues him to stay awake till the late nights. No matter how many reassuring hugs from Mao, quick pecks, and soft whispers, Ritsu stays wide awake. He doesn’t stop thinking about that stupid problem. It’s annoying. It’s stupid. It really shouldn’t be a big deal but here he is, wide awake, thinking about how he can’t say _ I love you _ to the person he sleeps next to every night. Why is that? Ritsu doesn’t know.

“_Can I marry you when I learn to say ‘_**_I love you_**_’_ _to you, Ma-kun?_”

Ritsu asks that question during dinner, Mao drops his chopstick in his bowl. He stutters out a _ what? _ as he grabs a paper towel to wipe his chopsticks clean after fishing them out of his bowl. It seems he didn’t think Ritsu was bothered by Mao’s question. Dense as always, this boy Ritsu is in love with. How can he be this dense? Ritsu doesn’t know but he loves that part.

Ritsu repeats the question again. Mao looks at him confusedly, repeating the question to himself. He seems to be weighing the consequences even though they aren’t many. Ritsu loves Mao and he just wants to be able to say it. He wants to say it again and again until the end of time. Though, typical of Mao to weigh the consequences. He never changes.

“_ Okay. I’ll marry you when you can say ‘_**_I love you_**_’ again._”

Ritsu nods. It makes him sleep a little better. It feels awkward that he made such a promise with Mao. Ritsu wonders why. Must be because he didn’t think that he’d agree to marry Mao over such a simple phrase that he should be able to utter but can’t. It’s a peculiar promise, Ritsu can agree on that. Though, he wonders how long it’ll take him to finally say them. Hopefully not long.

Ritsu tells Arashi and Mika about it who points out how strange the promise is.

Arashi notes how Ritsu should be able to reply Mao back by now. She goes on and on how the two have been together for years and yet it’s damnening to hear that Ritsu has never uttered, _ I love you _ to Mao. Like literally. Why is that? Ritsu was wondering the same.

“You should know the answer, Ritsu-chan--you’re the one who isn’t saying _ I love you, _not me.”

Ritsu laughs as Mika mentions how he never knew Ritsu was _ that _ avoidant in saying _ I love you _ . He says _ I love you _ so casually towards his friends yet when it comes to Mao, it gets stuck in his throat. Ritsu wonders a lot about that. It’s sad that he can’t say those three words to Mao but he can toss them about so casually. He wants to say that to Mao but the weight is so different from saying to friends.

“You’re like Leo-chan then.”

“Hm? Like Leo?”

“He used to avoid saying _ I love you _ to Izumi-chan until Izumi thought he hated him.”

_ Oh. Oh, Ritsu remembers that _ \-- _ those two had a big argument about that_.

Ritsu doesn’t want Mao and him to have a big argument again. The last time it happened, Ritsu ran away like a coward. The last time it happened, Ritsu didn’t speak to Mao for almost 2 years. The last time it happened, Ritsu felt unloved by everyone instead of Mao who Ritsu refused to say _ I love you _ to. The last time it happened, Ritsu felt guilty. He doesn’t want another one to happen.

“I don’t want that to happen.”

Arashi and Mika know. They wouldn’t want to see it either. They both know Ritsu wants to say it as soon as possible. It felt funny, Arashi said--she thought Ritsu hated weddings since he didn’t really enjoy Leo and Izumi’s wedding. He also had to be dragged to attend his brother’s. Mika laughed as he spoke about how annoyed Ritsu always look during weddings. It’s almost as if he just didn’t like the existence of weddings.

Ritsu shrugs--he kind of does hate weddings.

Attending them, planning them, being in them, or even just thinking about them--Ritsu hates weddings so much.

“Why is that? _ Why do you hate weddings? _”

Ritsu wonders too. Why does he hate weddings? It’s not because of his previous wedding. In fact, that just made his hatred grow towards weddings even more. There has to be a reason why he hated weddings. Why did he hate his wedding so much? Aside from the fact that he hated the groom, he obviously had _ other reasons _ to hate the wedding.

“I hated my wedding planner.”

“Wasn’t your wedding planner, like, some family wedding planner?”

“What? I’ve never heard this!” Ritsu laughs at Mika’s exclaim. Yeah, there’s a family wedding planner but that’s because the groom was chosen by his grandmother. _ Of course_, his grandmother would be in control of the wedding. Ritsu didn’t touch anything, to be honest. He doesn’t even recall being in any wedding discussions. It was always his grandmother’s decisions.

Though, he fully recalls his brother having full control over _ his wedding _ . Kaoru wasn’t even allowed to choose a suit by himself. Rei _ insisted _ he choose what Kaoru wears for that day--claiming that Kaoru would ruin it by choosing some color that didn’t match. Kaoru would laugh as he gets pulled by the tie because he chose a horrible suit that Rei distasted. Ritsu remembered laughing as he watched Kaoru not being allowed to kiss Rei at all due to the _ ugly _ suits he chose. Even though, Ritsu was pretty sure that Kaoru chose them on purpose.

Arashi hums as Mika sipped on his tea.

“_ Oh, _ could it be you hate weddings ‘cause you never get to control them or somethin’?” Mika asks.

“God, Ritsu-chan, I didn’t think you were a control-freak!” Arashi laughs as Ritsu quirks an eyebrow.

_ Why would he need to control someone else’s wedding? _ Honestly, he doubts that part a little. Maybe that’s why he hated _ his _ wedding. He did hate how little control he had over everything. He literally was just stuffed in a suit and tossed at the groom like nothing--henceforth the running away part of the wedding. Maybe he’s afraid of getting married. He never knows what the future holds when you marry someone. Even if he loved someone, what would happen if the other one day wakes up and doesn’t love him anymore?

“Weddings are big decisions--I guess I’m afraid of messing them up.”

Arashi hums in agreement. _ Now, that makes sense. _

Mika asks if it could be the same reason why Ritsu is afraid of saying _ I love you_.

Maybe. Maybe it could be why Ritsu can’t say _ I love you_. Maybe he’s afraid Mao was going to wake up one day and say he doesn’t. Maybe Ritsu is afraid of marrying Mao, he’ll change--Ritsu is afraid of Mao changing. Ritsu wants Mao to stay the same as ever.

“Maybe, I am afraid of those things because they tend to never work out.”

Mika nods, Ritsu wasn’t wrong. He had a whole background of being in situations where his words and actions make matters worse.

“_But isn’t Mao-chan different? _”

Mao has been waiting for Ritsu for _ years _. Even with a 2 year gap of no responses from Ritsu, Mao still clung onto some form of hope that Ritsu would come back. Mao helped Ritsu even when Ritsu tried to refuse help. Mao kept wanting to be in Ritsu’s space even though he didn’t have to. Mao is different, Arashi kept reminding Ritsu.

Even now, agreeing to such a foolish promise even though he could marry Ritsu right now but yet, he decided to let Ritsu take his time. Agreeing to a foolish promise to help Ritsu accept such a big decision.

_ Mao is different_.

Ritsu kept that reminder in his mind as he ushered himself back to his apartment. Mao is different. He’s so very different. Ritsu knew that. The chances of him leaving Ritsu was so low that if it were numerical, it’d be in the negatives. It was just _ so unlikely _ to happen. _ Yet_, Ritsu can’t help but worry it can happen.

“Welcome home!” Mao greets with a smile, their cat in his arms.

Ritsu smiles back as he kisses Mao. Their cat leaps out of Mao’s arms and onto Ritsu’s shoulder, finding comfort in the other’s shoulders. Mao doesn’t understand why--Maro has always liked Ritsu more than Mao. _Even the_ _very first time Ritsu stayed in Mao’s house_, Maro curled up around Ritsu rather quickly. It made Mao a little jealous.

Ritsu laughed. He wondered if Mao was jealous of Ritsu or Maro. Probably both.

Dinner tasted sour, some new foreign recipe Mao wanted to try. Ritsu laughed as Mao realised he doesn’t particularly like it but Ritsu does. Mao endures it for Ritsu. Ritsu takes Mao’s portion though. Mao laughs, surprised that Ritsu would take another helping. Ritsu is never the type to do such things, hence why he has such a tiny body.

Mao is happy, though. He’s glad that Ritsu is enjoying the food.

“Are you telling me to get fat?” Ritsu teases.

“_ Wha--no! _ Ritsu, don’t you hate eating? You used to even go to the extent of skipping lunch to nap back in school!” Mao scolded. He even remarks how he still wonders how it’s possible that Ritsu managed to survive 3 days just drinking water or any drink that sparks his interest. No eating. If anything, he’d eat biscuits or something light but _ no proper meal _. That used to scare him. He used to hate it when Ritsu would go on days without eating. 

Ritsu laughs, nodding along to Mao’s scolding. Yes, yes--he should be gaining back his weight. It can’t be helped that Ritsu weighs as much as a twig now. Mao can easily carry Ritsu over his shoulder without breaking a sweat. It annoys Ritsu because that means Mao can just carry Ritsu off the ground to stop him from doing anything bad.

Ritsu used to find Mao’s bridal carrying charming growing up _ but now _, he finds them an obvious tactic to stop Ritsu from working to the late nights. Mao would even throw in a kiss to stop Ritsu from even looking at his work. Sly boy, Ritsu hates Mao when he does it.

“You _ actually like them _ , don’t you? Or are those noises you make just you trying to _ distract me? _” Mao teases as Ritsu looks away in embarrassment. He really can’t beat this guy.

Now that Mao is an adult, he really is a lot bolder now. Ritsu hates it. He wants back the Mao who used to be shy and reluctantly embarrassed to be assertive towards Ritsu. Though, he should have known Mao was going to stop being that. Wasn’t he getting bold somewhere in highschool--kissing him endlessly every time they get back to Ritsu’s room? Ritsu, in the end, grew meek and reluctant to do those things.

How annoying, Ritsu used to turn Mao red just from hovering near him. Now, Ritsu is the one who gets easily embarrassed.

“_ Ah, what happened to the cute Ma-kun that’d stutter every time I tried kissing him?! _” Ritsu whined as Mao laughs.

“Well, I’m sorry but he died a long time ago,” Mao answers as he kisses Ritsu.

Mao--he always likes being playful. It drives Ritsu insane. He can’t believe Mao could be _ this _ in love with Ritsu. Ritsu really doesn’t deserve such a boyfriend but here he was, being kissed deeply into the bed. Mao laughs against Ritsu’s lips as Ritsu tickles his sides. Mao calls Ritsu unfair for doing that but Ritsu calls it payback for earlier.

“_You do know how much this angered your grandmother, Ritsu?! _”

It wasn’t even Ritsu’s parents who were talking--it was an aunt that Ritsu never liked. He only came back home because his parents were worried for Ritsu’s well-being. Sure, they handled the wedding catastrophe but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to be mad. Ritsu expected his parents to be mad but they weren’t.

Thanks to Rei’s loud mouth, they found out about how Ritsu was _ literally _ swept off by Mao. With that, they decided Ritsu was better off with him. They even whisked away Ritsu’s ex-fiancee despite Ritsu’s angry grandmother’s protests. Apparently, Ritsu had to appear for a family dinner because the entire family has been up in arms about his disappearance since last year even though his direct family had been in contact with him.

In fact, Rei was at Izumi’s party where Ritsu sobbed on Mao’s shoulder. His parents and brother always knew that Ritsu was okay but his extended family didn’t believe them.

His grandmother is blabbering about how Ritsu was disrespectful for not wanting to marry such a fine man. Ritsu couldn’t care less. He wasn’t Mao. His grandmother insisted he gets into another arranged marriage. Ritsu is not interested in getting married off. No matter how many times they try, the person Ritsu wants to marry is Mao._ Only Mao_.

Why can’t they understand that? His direct family does but his relatives don’t. It’s annoying. Can’t they listen to Ritsu for once? Or does Ritsu have to make a big scene in order to get them to listen to him for once? If so, Ritsu would gladly do it. He doesn’t care how he’ll be seen to his extensive family. They can go fuck off--that’d make everyone’s life easier, to be quite frank. _ Especially, that cursed old hag Ritsu has to call his grandmother _.

Ritsu bites his lip to stop himself from screaming as he climbs onto the dining table.

Ritsu’s parents stutter out his name as they watch him stand tall on the dining table. Though they look slightly ashamed, they don’t seem to be stopping him. _ Good_. They know Ritsu is going to cause a big scene to get a rise out of his grandmother. His brother looks pleased by it too. This just means he won’t get an earful from those three. It’s just going to be his noisy relatives. His father’s side has always been the annoying side, anyway--he rather much prefers his mother’s side who enjoyed Ritsu’s weird antics.

“If you want me to get married so bad, I’ll give you a condition--_ Find me a man that I’ll actually say ‘_**_I love you_**_’ to _.”

Rei chokes on dinner as his parents gap their mouths open. His grandmother, definitively the most stubborn hag in the world, agrees to Ritsu’s condition. She tells him that if she can find a man that Ritsu will say _ I love you _ to, he’s getting married. No questions asked. No escaping. _ Nothing_.

“Don’t be sly, you brat--you’re the worst out of the bunch of grandchildren I have.”

Ritsu hears his father call out to his grandmother, asking her to not treat Ritsu so awfully. Ritsu has always been a handful but that doesn’t give her the right to be mean. The grandmother scoffs, Ritsu takes after his father. That’s why he acts like a brat. Ritsu wants to laugh--that’s true, he does act a bit like his father. It can’t be helped, honestly.

That’s why his parents are currently in distress.

Ritsu laughs as Rei pours his parents glasses of wine. It seems that they’re in dire need of alcohol for the stunt Ritsu just pulled during dinner. His mother talks about how Ritsu has always been insane--fighting back with his elders even though those same elders will drag him down to hell along with them. His father is more worried about how his grandmother was crazy enough to agree. Rei asks if it was even possible for their grandmother to find someone who Ritsu will say _ I love you _ to.

“She’ll probably give up after Ritsu rejects the fifth guy or something,” Rei says as he relaxes into the couch.

Ritsu laughs alongside with Rei. There’s no way she’ll continue until she dies.

“You’d be amazed how insistent your grandmother can be,” Ritsu’s father warns.

“Ritsu, honey--you’re getting yourself killed. Please tell me you have a plan,” Ritsu’s mother says as she holds Ritsu’s hand. They look worried. It’s almost the same look they gave Ritsu when Ritsu told them that he befriended Mao.

“Mao exists,” Ritsu says as he sheepishly laughs. He feels pretty embarrassed to say that.

Ritsu’s mother nearly drops her glass of wine as his father repeats Mao’s name. It’s almost as if they forgot Mao was part of Ritsu’s life. Well not really. It’s more like they didn’t consider Mao as an option. They didn’t think Mao was an option. They didn’t think Ritsu and Mao could even stay together for_ this long _.

“Mao--_Right_, _ Isara Mao _.”

Ritsu watches his parents just repeating Mao’s name. All in various emotions. As if they’re trying to grasp Ritsu’s solution. They’re weighing the consequences and everything. Almost as if they didn’t believe Ritsu was actually willing to take a bet with his grandmother by dragging Mao into the mix.

“Oh, my sweet little moon,” Ritsu’s mother says, hand tightly grasped. _ This can’t be good_.

“You’re telling me you’re going to beat the shit out of that old hag with _ Mao? _”

Ritsu confusedly nods. His mother asks him if _he has_ _even tried saying it to Mao_. At least give his mother some form of comfort that if he brings Mao, there is a chance that Ritsu won’t mess it up. This is a dangerous person they’re playing with.

Ritsu avoids looking at his mother.

“Oh dear god, you’ve never said ‘_ I love you _’ to Mao.”

Rei laughs wholeheartedly as Ritsu tries to stutter out an explanation. He didn’t realise how messy this situation could turn out to be. His parents look at him in concern as he tries his best to explain that _ he’s trying _ . He wants to say _ I love you _ to Mao. He’s said it before. He’s definitely said it before. The only difference is _ that was a long time ago_. Even then, Mao wasn’t awake to say it so it doesn’t _ really count _.

Ritsu watches his mother rub her temple.

“Please learn to say ‘**_I love you_**’ to Mao, _ when he’s awake_, so we can actually see you happily married, Ritsu.”

Ritsu has that request stuck in his mind all week. He wants to say _ I love you_, of course. He’s been trying to. In the meantime, Ritsu has been shuffled into more arranged dates of men Ritsu couldn’t care less about. They’re all boring, annoying, useless and nothing like Mao. Ritsu doesn’t like this at all. His grandmother is insistent and out of her mind. Ritsu hates it.

Those stupid arranged meetings with men Ritsu couldn’t care less about--they go on for almost 2 whole months before Mao finds out.

“Are you cheating?”

Ritsu tilts his head in confusion before saying no. _ Why would Ritsu even want to cheat on Mao? _

Mao frowns at Ritsu. He says that he saw Ritsu with someone. The other seemed all over Ritsu while Ritsu wasn’t very interested. Though, how he should know?_ Reading Ritsu has always been difficult_.

Ritsu doesn’t like the way Mao says that. It hurts.

“Ma-kun,” Ritsu calls out as Mao cuts him off again.

“Are you afraid of marrying me?”

Ritsu shakes his head anxiously. That’s not it. These are just another round of his accursed grandmother’s doing. He doesn’t want Mao to think that this is Ritsu’s own accord. _ Please _ . _ Please listen, Ma-kun. _ ** _Please_ **.

“Then why are you going on dates with other people?”

Ritsu thins his lips out and frowns at his food. Ah, if he explains, Mao would get mad _ but _ if Ritsu doesn’t explain, it’d be the same as 3 years ago. Ritsu doesn’t want that. Ritsu doesn’t want that at all. Just as Ritsu was about to explain himself, Mao tells him not to. It’d be useless, anyway. There’s no use in Ritsu explaining himself.

Mao heads to bed early that night.

Ritsu stays wide awake, unable to go to bed. Ah. He did it. He messed it up. Now, he won’t be able to say _ I love you _ . Ritsu wants to die. Ritsu wants to run away but Ritsu promised himself not to run away anymore. Ritsu doesn’t want to be a coward anymore. It’s hard. It’s hard not wanting to run away from this but _ he shouldn’t_. He should solve this but how? Ritsu doesn’t know anymore.

Ritsu sleeps on the couch with his head pressed into knees as he hugs his legs.

Ritsu wakes up in bed, the blanket covering him tightly. Ritsu wonders if Mao was just pitying him. He drags himself out of bed, stumbling into the kitchen to find Mao cooking. He feels guilty even though it’s not his fault that he’s being dragged into these ridiculous dates. He doesn’t even want to be there. _ He swears _.

“Ma-kun,” Ritsu mumbles into Mao’s back.

Mao doesn’t hum in response. He continues to cook as Ritsu tightens his grip.

“_ Ma-kun, I’m sorry. _”

Mao still hasn’t responded. Ah, Ritsu wants to cry.

“_ Ma-kun, I swear when I say I don’t even wanna be there--my grandmother is forcing me in more arranged marriages again_,” Ritsu rants but it falls onto deaf ears.

Ritsu wants to curl up into Mao but he won’t let him so Ritsu is left to continue grip tightly to Mao’s shirt as he cries out apologies. Ritsu wants Mao to look at him, speak to him, anything--_ just anything. _ He just wants a response.

“_ Ma-kun _,” Ritsu says against Mao’s back.

Mao still hasn’t responded to him.

“_I really do love-- _”

Mao can be rough. Ritsu forgets that because he’s delicate towards to Ritsu. Never being mean to him _ but now_. _ Now is different_. The way he roughly presses a tear-stained Ritsu against the wall, Ritsu doesn’t know what he should be feeling. He feels afraid, for one thing. Mao looks pissed but Ritsu doesn’t know if he seriously is anymore. Ritsu doesn’t get it, Mao is sending Ritsu mixed signals as he leans into Ritsu’s face.

“_Ma-kun_,” Ritsu stutters out as Mao realises what he’s doing. He lets Ritsu slip to the ground and just break down. Ah, he knows it’s Ma-kun but those rough gestures--they’re not the same. Ritsu doesn’t want to be touched--it’s terrifying when he’s touched. He tries to push away Mao’s warm hands because he’s afraid. He doesn’t want to be touched. It scares him when he gets touched like that.

_Please don’t touch me. Please, I didn’t mean it._ _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. _**_I’m sorry_**_._

“Ritsu--_Ritchan_, I’m sorry,” Mao apologises as he lifts Ritsu to the couch. He whispers his apologies as he checks Ritsu for any injuries.

“_ Ma-kun _,” Ritsu whimpers as Mao kisses his forehead.

“_I’m sorry for cheating-- _”

“_ It’s not your fault, I know--It’s okay. _” Mao kisses Ritsu cheeks, reassuring him that’s he’s fine. He’s okay. It’s okay. It’s not Ritsu’s fault. Mao was wrong for throwing such assumptions on Ritsu without even letting Ritsu explain. He should have let Ritsu explain.

Ritsu hugs Mao tightly. Ritsu sobs into Mao as the other rubs circles on his back. Ritsu was afraid. Ritsu was confused. Ritsu didn’t know what to do when Mao did that. It scared Ritsu. Ritsu was afraid that Mao was going to hit Ritsu. Ritsu didn’t want that. Ritsu swears he didn’t want to go to any of those dates. His mind is in a mess as he stutters out more apologies to Mao who drags him down on the couch.

It takes a while before Ritsu finally stops crying. The way Mao wraps Ritsu around his arm tightly, mumbling about how he was glad he didn’t burn breakfast. That was the most disastrous 10 minutes of his life. His 4 years spent rooming with Subaru has paid finally paid off. He really wouldn’t be _ that _ good at multitasking without Subaru and his antics. Ritsu laughs hoarsely as Mao continues to mumble out a stream of rants how terrifying it was living with Subaru.

Ritsu kisses Mao as an apology. Once more. Twice more.

Enough times till Ritsu is laughing as Mao whines how he wants more kisses from Ritsu.

Ritsu smiles softly at Mao who laughs brightly.

“**_I really do love you more than anyone in this world, Ma-kun_**.”

Mao lights up when Ritsu says that. He sits up as Ritsu gets dragged into a kiss before he’s even able to ask Mao why he’s suddenly so happy. Ritsu is back to being kissed till he’s breathless. He can’t even stop Mao because Mao is too busy rolling off the couch and rejoicing about how Ritsu finally said it. Ritsu finally said _ I love you _.

Mao drags Ritsu off the couch to join him into his stupid improv waltz. Mao is happy just hearing Ritsu say _ I love you _ . He replies back with so many more _ I love yous _, not wasting a second to shower Ritsu with more love. Ritsu laughs as Mao presses his forehead against Ritsu’s.

“You have no idea how happy I am right now, Ritchan.”

Ritsu giggles as he cups Mao’s face.

“I love you a lot, Ma-kun--I wanna marry Ma-kun.”

Mao kisses Ritsu softly. Mao complains how he’s only in his pajamas so he can’t give Ritsu the engagement ring but soon, he will. Ritsu laughs as Mao whines a little how he can’t find Ritsu’s engagement ring. He also whines how doing it in pajamas isn’t romantic at all. He wished he could do it in a more fancy setting, not do it in their pajamas on a Sunday morning _ right after _ Mao nearly scaring Ritsu to death.

“You can propose me on a different day.” Ritsu kisses Mao’s cheek as Mao stutters out how he didn’t think of that. Why didn’t he think of that? Ritsu laughs as Mao frowns at his breakfast.

Ritsu finds saying _ I love you _ to Mao very easy. It slips out of his mouth so easily. Mao laughs at how affectionate Ritsu has become once he finally learned how to say it. Ritsu smiles brightly, explaining how he can’t say it to anyone else but Mao now. Ritsu wants to keep saying it until the end of time. Ritsu is filled with euphoria every time he says it to Mao.

“_ Oh _ , you’ve been in a good mood lately, Ritsu.”

  
  
Ritsu smiles brightly to his brother as he waltzes into their parents’ house. Of course, Ritsu is in a good mood. Ritsu has just been showering Mao with love. Ritsu can’t help but feel some odd feeling of confidence every time he says it to Mao. It’s honestly amazing. Ritsu didn’t think he could smile so much after finally forcing those words out.

Ritsu stops smiling when he’s met with his grandmother and another man next to him. Ritsu frowns at the sight. Before Ritsu can protest, his grandmother is shuffling him to that man. Ritsu wants to throw a tantrum but his grandmother threatens to chop his legs off if he tries. Ritsu sighs as he’s dragged off to another date. He hears his brother scolding his grandmother for just shoving Ritsu out of the house as soon as he arrived but it seemed those words fall on deaf ears. _ As usual _.

Ritsu doesn’t like this guy either. He’s not cute. He’s not sweet. He’s not anything Ritsu likes. He reminds Ritsu of his fiancee. Disgustingly fake. Ritsu hates it. This guy--he’s sharp in acknowledging the fact that Ritsu isn’t interested. Ritsu likes that. At least he knows Ritsu isn’t interested in getting into an arranged marriage.

What Ritsu _ doesn’t like _ is how this guy seems to want to get something out of Ritsu for making him go on this stupid date. _ Even though it wasn’t Ritsu who decided on this date_. Ritsu doesn’t like it at all. Ritsu feels uncomfortable when he tries to slip his hand underneath Ritsu’s shirt in the car. Ritsu stiffens when he feels a cold hand. It’s gross. Ritsu hates it.

Ritsu finds himself punching this guy in the face, unbuckling his seatbelt, grabbing his things and rushing out of the car without a clue on where he is. He just knows that he’s running in the opposite direction of the car. Ritsu doesn’t care about the destination, he’s just running into a station as fast as he can--he doesn’t look behind or even listen to the call for his name. He doesn’t care who it could be, he’s just going to ignore it.

“_Hey-- _”

Ritsu nearly punches Mao in the face, had Mao not quickly dodge it. Mao. It was Mao who was calling out to Ritsu earlier. _ Oh, thank god _ . Ritsu sighs in relief when he feels Mao hug him tightly, whispering _ its okays _ into his hair.

“_Ritsu_, you don’t need to be here--it’ll just make matters worse,” Mao warns as he tries to keep up with Ritsu who marches into his parents’ house. No. He’s going to settle this disaster _ right now_. He doesn’t care. After crying to Mao about how terrifying that guy was, Ritsu is just fed up with this string of utter bullshit his grandmother makes him put up.

_ He’s tired. He doesn’t care. He’ll knock that old hag out dead. _

“Oh _ what_\--you came back!” Rei says as he opens the door. He looks at Mao confusedly before letting them in.

Rei asks what the hell happened earlier. The last date called to explain how he hated Ritsu because Ritsu punched him in the nose. Ritsu makes a brief explanation about the incident as Rei nods in understanding. It seems only Mao felt out of place. Typical of Mao though.

“Where did that stupid hag go?”

“Oh, dad’s trying to stop her--perfect timing for Isara-kun, I guess?”

Mao looks at Rei confusedly. He repeats Rei’s comment, in utter confusion. He tries to get Ritsu to explain what on earth did he get himself into as Rei laughs. Ritsu forgot to explain that part to Mao.

“I told my grandmother that if she could find a man that I could say ‘_ I love you’ _ to, I’d get married.”

“_You made a deal with your grandmother and decided to bring me over to settle it?! _”

_ Uh, yeah? Ma-kun, are you that dense? _

Mao tries to say something but he can’t. Even if he tried, it gets cut off by Ritsu’s mother greeting him by saying Mao’s full name. Ritsu laughs as his mother pinches Mao’s cheek--she gushes how big Mao has grown. She makes a jab that Ritsu is always stuck being the smallest even between the two. Ritsu rolls his eyes as Mao stutters out how he’s happy with those compliments but is more concerned about the situation at hand. Shouldn’t they be worried about it?

Ritsu’s mother laughs out a no. Since Mao is here, it’s fine. If anything, it just makes his grandmother even madder. Apparently, his grandmother never believed Ritsu could ever be loved or something so she sought to solve this issue herself. It is utter bullshit since everyone who lived in this house knows_ one thing _ and that is Mao and Ritsu were _ definitely going to marry each other _ whether either of them disagreed or not. It was obvious from the start.

“Oh, I didn’t know that part,” Ritsu says as he watches his mother laugh.

Of course, he wouldn’t know. Ritsu and Mao probably don’t even remember that this wedding counts as Ritsu’s _ third _ wedding and Mao’s _ second_. More importantly, it’s their second time getting married. Ritsu’s mother laughs as the couple looks at each other confusedly.

“Don’t you remember? Mao begged your father to let him marry you when you were 10.” Ritsu’s mother laughs as Mao covers his face embarrassingly. Ritsu doesn’t remember this at all.

Ritsu’s mother goes on about how cute they were, Mao tied a flower around Ritsu’s ring finger and it was a time when Ritsu hated being kissed on the face so Mao had to kiss Ritsu’s hand instead. Mao would already try to carry Ritsu bridal style back then. That was probably the first time Mao did it, Ritsu’s mother thought. It was sweet, she cooed as she thought how Mao has always been accommodating to Ritsu’s dislikes. Even till now, Mao has always been the same.

“_Who is this? _”

Ritsu’s grandmother is fuming as she glares daggers at Mao. Ritsu laughs sheepishly before explaining who Mao is; _ Ritsu’s boyfriend_. A long-time boyfriend on top of that. Ritsu tries to smile reassuringly towards Mao as his grandmother inspects Mao. For whatever purpose.

“You’re telling me you want to marry this fool? What makes you think I’ll let you?”

_ Harsh_\--that’s definitely written all over Mao’s displeased expression. Before anyone else can say anything, Mao grits his teeth before opening his mouth.

“_ What makes you think Ritsu needs approval from _ ** _you_**_? _”

Mao can be terrifyingly bold. Maybe him turning into an adult gave him too much confidence in facing these kinds of situations head on. _ God _ , they really are childhood friends. Ritsu and Mao are on the same page when it comes to being fed up with old people meddling in their relationship. Ritsu watches Mao rub his temple and ramble how he’s actually tired of Ritsu’s grandmother try so fucking hard in separating Mao from Ritsu. He honestly has been trying to be with Ritsu for _ years _ and Ritsu’s grandmother had to show up and ruin Ritsu’s life.

“I’m sorry but I don’t think at 27, would you need to have your life dictated by some _ grumbling old lady__!_” Ritsu fails to form words at Mao’s fuming anger to his grandmother. His entire family is failing to utter words to calm Mao down.

Mao exasperatedly sighs, he tells Ritsu’s grandmother to just stop meddling in Ritsu’s life. If Ritsu wants to marry him, then it’s fine. It’s not like Ritsu is going to die for marrying him. It’s not like Mao is disliked by Ritsu’s direct family--in fact, the last time Mao has _ever been_ _threatened_ was that one time Mao asked about Ritsu’s clothes, even then it was _Ritsu_ who did the threatening. Other than that, Mao is pretty well-liked by the direct family.

“Now, can you just get off of Ritsu’s dick and go home? All you’ve been doing to Ritsu is scaring him,” Mao begged.

Ritsu’s grandmother storms off after being relentlessly scolded by someone who is lightyears away from her. Mao meekly apologises for getting mad at Ritsu’s grandmother like that--he just couldn’t take it anymore. He really didn’t like the fact that all Ritsu gets out of those arranged marriages is just terrible injuries and nightmares that leave Ritsu not wanting to fall back asleep. Mao is tired of Ritsu never getting a wink of sleep thanks to all that torture he had to go through. It was obvious that Mao would blow a fuse in front of the lady who caused all of it.

“You’ve always been the same.” Ritsu’s mother is the first person to speak.

Ritsu’s mother erupts in laughter, calling Mao the same sweet boy that Ritsu fell in love with when they first met. Mao cares so much about Ritsu’s wellbeing. Mao loves Ritsu too much to not want Ritsu to go through any pain. Mao loves Ritsu too much that the thought of Ritsu crying brings him such immense guilt. Mao loves Ritsu too much that he’d actually get into a brawl with an old lady for him.

“You’re the same brave fool that Ritsu has always been in love with--don’t you think it’s about time you two get married already?” Ritsu’s mother jokingly scolds as she brings Mao and Ritsu’s hands together.

Ritsu stutters out mother as Mao turns red at how soft Ritsu’s mother’s approval was.

“Don’t worry about your grandmother, she’ll give up being bitter sooner or later--she was a lot more bitter about Rei’s engagement to Kaoru _ who did it in secret _.”

Ritsu watches Rei whistles to distract himself from his father’s glares. Mao looks at Ritsu for an explanation as Ritsu mouths out _ later _. Ritsu smiles as he watches his father scolded Mao for shouting at his grandmother but it can’t be helped. At least, Ritsu’s father was pleased to know that Mao wasn’t going to back down at all. If anything, it makes his father understand why exactly Ritsu finds Mao charming even though all his father ever sees in Mao is a boy that likes to shape his head like a pineapple.

“_A pineapple? _” Mao echoes as he touches his hair. Ritsu can’t help but laugh.

“Ma-kun, that’s beside the point--you got approval from my parents so shouldn’t you be happy?”

Mao nods as he mumbles how he didn’t realise his head looked like a pineapple. Oh god, Ritsu is not going to hear the end of this, is he? Well, looks like they’ll rejoice later. If there’s anything Mao should be worried about is probably seeking approval from Rei but that’s easy, isn’t it? Rei has always approved of Mao. To the extent of telling Mao where Ritsu was when Ritsu was _ avoiding him_. If anything, the two would have not crawled back to each other had Rei not tell Mao where Ritsu was that night at Izumi and Leo’s place.

Mao turns to Rei who raises his hand to stop Mao from asking.

“Don’t even ask--If I told you where Ritsu was the first time you guys reunited, that should be a big enough sign for you, Isara-kun.”

Mao nods as he slowly says _ right_. The only issue at hand is that they’re actually not engaged yet so they should get to that. Like. _ Soon _.

Ritsu forgot about that.

There’s one thing that Ritsu’s direct family hates about Ritsu and Mao--that is the fact they’re forgetful when it comes to being wrapped up with each other. It could be literally anything related to the two and it would slip right past their minds. They can never remember to do anything even when it should be them that plans it _not the family_. Rei nags them to go propose quickly so they can finally get this done and over with.

“_Do it quickly before your grandmother starts hatching another plan to destroy the wedding!_”

It takes Mao two weeks to propose Ritsu. It happens during breakfast on a lazy Sunday morning when both of them are in their pajamas. Ritsu laughs out a yes as Mao smiles brightly. Ritsu thought Mao wanted to do it in a more romantic setting. Mao shrugs--well, yeah. He did want to do it in a romantic setting but he found himself recalling the memory of Ritsu saying _ I love you _ for the first time, rather fondly. He couldn’t help but want to repeat it again.

“You’re ridiculous--I can’t believe you actually did that.” Ritsu laughs as Mao kisses his cheek.

The ring is pretty. It’s small and red. Ritsu likes it. It’s only an engagement ring, though. Mao says he’s still trying to figure out about the wedding rings. Those are important, he worries about that. Ritsu laughs. They should be worried about the wedding.

“_You finally did it! You finally proposed, Isara-kun! _”

Their friends insisted on an engagement party for _ finally getting it on already _. Ritsu laughs as Mao’s friends lift him up and throw him up in the air. Mao shouts at them for tossing him high up in the air.

“Ma-kun has always been dazzling--I wonder why he’s in love with me,” Ritsu mumbles to himself. Though Ritsu has been in such a euphoric state of mind lately, small hurtful thoughts still trinkle through. Mao is warm, bright and dazzling. He wants to marry Ritsu. Ritsu--someone who is all gloomy, cold and dark.

_ Why is that? Ritsu doesn’t know _.

It’s so funny--what they’re like, it’s clear as day right now. Mao is surrounded by his friends who congratulate him, whack him over the head and scold him for taking so long in marrying Ritsu. He’s laughing and shouting among his friends who drag him into the light as they rejoice. While all of that happens, Ritsu is sitting in a tucked away corner. He’s just sitting in his small little corner, waiting out for the party to end. It feels a little dark but that’s okay, Ritsu is used to it.

Ritsu hums to himself. Mao had the chance to be with so many different people but he chooses to be with Ritsu. Ritsu wonders that. Ritsu wants to know why. Surely, Mao will just kiss Ritsu and say that he’s been in love with Ritsu for so many years--he wants to be with Ritsu because he loves everything about Ritsu. All those simple sweet answers that Mao will always say to stop all of those hurtful thoughts from getting to Ritsu.

Mao’s tipsy, he kisses Ritsu against the door as soon as Ritsu closes it.

“_Hey, Ritchan, _”

Ritsu hums as Mao tries to take off his shoes without laughing. Ritsu wonders what on earth is Mao laughing about--it’s probably something ridiculous like Makoto’s jokes. Ritsu hears Mao stumble onto the couch as he coos at Maro. Really, Mao is ridiculous when tipsy.

“_Can I tell you a secret? _”

Ritsu nods, unsure _ exactly _ what the secret is. Maybe it’s something like Mao has been eating Ritsu’s stash of sweets or Mao watches Ritsu sleep when he wakes up. Ritsu knew the latter already--Ritsu woke up early once but tried to fall back asleep, he found himself hearing Mao mumble how soft Ritsu looks when asleep. Ritsu wondered just _ what exactly _ is Mao’s secret.

“_Those 2 years when we would avoid each other--I honestly tried to pretend you didn’t exist,_” Mao says, staring mindlessly into space.

He kept going on how he would try to forget Ritsu but ended up doing similar things that Ritsu would always do. Stay up late, pick up stray cats and name them after ridiculous things like food but then shorten them into normal names, write songs that don’t leave the confinement of his apartment, and endless piles of hobbies that don’t make much sense. Mao would refuse to pick up pottery but somewhere in his cabinet, there’s an ugly mug that Mao made alongside Anzu who did hers pretty damn well.

“_It’s funny, to be honest--I thought I could forget you and go on with my life but a part of me kept crawling back to places I’d find you, expecting you to be there. I know you weren’t there but I couldn’t help it, you know? _”

Ritsu nods as Mao continues to explain how he didn’t realise how much he missed Ritsu until the party. When Arashi asked Mao to find Ritsu, he thought Arashi was just relying too much on Mao’s instincts on finding Ritsu that have dulled poorly. At least, he thought they had dulled--he was surprised he could find Ritsu in less than 10 minutes of asking and wandering about. He wanted to laugh. He really did.

It was crazy, Mao thought. When he found Ritsu at the balcony, staring into the night sky--Mao felt strange. Out of place. For the first time in a long while, Mao managed to find himself in a place where he expected Ritsu to be and _ actually see him_. He kept wondering if he was dreaming, it felt so strange. Mao wanted to cry too.

“_That night at the beach, I was wandering about because I missed you--I actually didn’t expect you to make the same mistake twice. _”

Mao wished he could have spoken to Ritsu more before Ritsu left. When Arashi and Mika came back, all Mao wondered was Ritsu. Would Ritsu come home? Would Mao get another chance with Ritsu? Would Ritsu even let Mao? Those kinds of thoughts swarm his mind. Mao was wondering if it was possible to have those answers.

Mao was scared. He was afraid of breaching into Ritsu’s space. He really was--it felt wrong to take advantage of Ritsu’s state at the time. He thought all Ritsu needed was comfort. He thought that all he should be giving Ritsu was comfort and safety--he didn’t know if it was right to love Ritsu the same way. _ It was honestly terrifying_.

“_I__ didn’t want to let go of you as soon as you hugged me--Ritsu, I just--” _

Ritsu hugs Mao tightly, head in Mao’s neck. Mao grips Ritsu tightly, whispering how much he missed Ritsu. That night--Mao remembered how warm he felt when Ritsu hugged him tightly like this. Ritsu--ah, he loved Ritsu so much. He wanted Ritsu to stay. He couldn’t imagine a minute without Ritsu’s presence next to him anymore. He wanted Ritsu’s warmth next to him. It felt too comforting. Mao couldn’t imagine himself without it.

Ritsu nodded, body still attached to a tipsy sentimental Mao. Ritsu didn’t expect this kind of secret. He thought it was something ridiculous but it wasn’t. It was something Ritsu didn’t know how to feel. Ritsu didn’t know what was the right response--none of them could match up to how much Mao said and felt towards Ritsu. It was unfair.

Ritsu wanted to say that this was unfair. Why did Mao have to love Ritsu? Why is it that Mao kept chasing Ritsu? Why is it that Mao kept loving Ritsu even when Ritsu is like this? Broken and disgusting--Mao never cared for that at all.

“_I don’t deserve Ma-kun,_” Ritsu ends up croaking out.

Why is it that even when Mao is tipsy, he still whispers _ I love yous _ and reasons why he is in love with Ritsu? Why is it that Mao is still the one carrying Ritsu to bed as he kisses Ritsu’s tears away? Why is it that Mao tells Ritsu that Ritsu should never see himself in such a crude way? Just why is it that Ritsu gets Isara Mao who loves him with everything? It makes Ritsu wonder why Mao pours everything into Ritsu who shouldn’t be getting any of this.

Ritsu is a useless brat. All he does is cry and whine. Mao shouldn’t be in love with a spoiled adult like Ritsu. Mao should be in love with someone else. Mao should be in love with someone that isn’t spoiled or tainted or broken up into pieces like Ritsu. Mao shouldn’t be working so hard to piece back Ritsu every time he breaks. Mao shouldn’t be doing any of these things.

_ Don’t you think these efforts are useless when it never ends? _

Mao kisses Ritsu and shakes his head. He never does. He wants to help Ritsu until he feels better. He wants to be with Ritsu even after he’s finally satisfied with himself. He wants to stay with Ritsu, helping him get through any obstacles. He wants to love Ritsu regardless of his state. _ He wants to be with Ritsu. _

Ritsu hugs Mao tightly.

“Ma-kun, I’m scared of the wedding,” Ritsu whispers. Mao hums and presses his forehead against Ritsu’s, they’ll be okay. Mao promises that they’ll be okay. Ritsu will be okay. Whatever the problem is, Mao and Ritsu can figure it out together. There’s no need to hide anymore. This is supposed to be their wedding now. It’s not someone else’s. Ritsu doesn’t have to pretend to be okay with everything now. Ritsu can point out anything wrong and Mao will surely listen.

_ Weddings_. _ That shit is hard_.

Ritsu gets tired of eating cake, trying on clothes, and choosing venues. Mao laughs every time Ritsu whines about how tired he is. Though, it’s not _that_ often of Ritsu to see Mao anyway. They’ll see each other by the end of the day due to conflicting schedules in trying to settle things easily. That also means trying as hard as possible to not have someone question their choices. That obviously means Mao having to stop his mom from wondering if it really is okay for Mao to be keeping that pineapple hairstyle of his.

“_I swear-- _ no one has _ ever _ told me that!” Mao fumes as Ritsu laughs over dinner.

Ritsu rolls his eyes and tells Mao that he’d be surprised to see who else would call him that. Subaru probably does. Mao corrects Ritsu, Subaru _ does _ call Mao such things. It’s honestly something he typically doesn’t care about but lately, he has been pretty annoyed about it. Does it matter? Should he actually not look like this during the wedding? Mao doesn’t know.

Ritsu laughs, he reaches to unclip Mao’s fringe for a moment. It’s grown out a little--Mao doesn’t really care for haircuts half of the time. Too caught up with work to ever go out and get a haircut. If he gets annoyed, he’ll cut it himself. Whether that ends well or not, that’s something Ritsu won’t say to save Mao's face.

Personally, Ritsu likes it when Mao’s hair just like this; all loosened up, soft and pretty. Ritsu likes it when Mao’s hair can blend itself into Ritsu’s hair when they press their foreheads together. Ritsu wants it this way. Is that okay?

Mao hums and tucks Ritsu’s hair behind his hair. Kissing Ritsu for a little while, he mumbles how he would want Ritsu to have a different hairstyle as well. It’d be nice to see Ritsu in a different hairstyle too. Ritsu always maintains the same haircut he’s had for years--he wonders if Ritsu has ever tried to do anything with it. He’s seen Ritsu in a wig but that’s not really what he means.

“I pin my fringe up when I’m working _ but _ I do have that function-only hairstyle?” Ritsu tilts his head, wondering if that’s what Mao means. Mao hums--he has never seen it. In fact, Ritsu is usually gone for a day or two when it comes to functions so he sees Ritsu leave with his hair as per usual. It's a shame, honestly.

Ritsu laughs. It’s not that different--he can’t do much with his hair. He can tie it in a small ribbon, though. He’s done it once or twice. He wonders if Mao would like that. Maybe? Maybe not? Ritsu asks Mao about it as he scrolls through his phone--maybe there’s a selfie when Arashi begged him to send one. When Ritsu showed it to Mao, he nods. Mao likes that. Mao thinks it’d be distracting for Mao, at least.

“Why?”

“I’d probably want to kiss your nape or something.”

Ritsu giggles. He’ll be sure to wear something that’ll suit the ribbon then. It’d be fun to torture Mao on his wedding day, honestly. He’s aware of the payback but that’s the point, isn’t it? Ritsu is called a demon by Mao who tries his best to hide his own frivolous imagination. Ritsu will be sure to call his brother or Arashi and Mika for help on his clothes. Surely, if he brings all of them, his body is going to be sore from going in and out of the changing room but he can handle it. If it’s to torture Mao, he can _ definitely _ handle it.

_ The wedding day--it draws closer before Ritsu even realised it. _

Ritsu feels anxious. It’s not even a good way. In a pretty bad way. In the way where Ritsu is throwing up in the bathroom so much so he can barely walk straight anymore. It’s terrifying. He can’t believe this. He’s scared--_Oh god, he’s scared of his own wedding_.

“_ Please, just take it off me--I can’t breathe in _ ** _this fucking suit_ **,” Ritsu sobbed as he makes countless of frustrating failed attempts on taking off his bowtie. He struggled with trying to remove all of his wedding clothes; he didn’t want to be in them anymore. He’s terrified. He can’t do it. He’s scared. Everything feels so foreign but familiar in such a scary way.

Ritsu felt gentle hands slowly untie his bowtie and help him undress as he takes deep breaths. It was getting easier to breathe each time an article of clothing was removed; he was getting some form of grip. He wasn’t sure if he meant it physically or metaphorically. Regardless, as soon as he was stripped down to just his undershirt and pants, he felt less restricted. This feeling--it scares him. _It scares him so much_. **_It really scares him_**.

Ritsu finds himself gripping tightly to the edge of the toilet bowl as he hurls everything out. This is stupid. This is ridiculous. He can’t believe he feels like running away from his wedding _ again _ . What for? Why does he want to run away this time? It’s Mao. It’s Mao who Ritsu is marrying. He shouldn’t be afraid but somehow _ he is_.

Ritsu ruins his makeup by sobbing and throwing up. He doesn’t know why he’s _ so _ ** _fucking_ ** _ afraid _ . No matter how many reassurances Mao gives, Ritsu is still sobbing on the bathroom floor about how terrified he is towards his wedding day. He doesn’t know if he can do it but he doesn’t want to leave Mao. He doesn’t want to push Mao away. He shouldn’t treat Mao like shit just because Ritsu was terrified and backed away from the wedding _ on the day itself _.

“_Ritsu-- _”

Ritsu hears Mao open the door and ask him if he’s alright. Mao is rubbing Ritsu’s back as he throws up _ something _ \--God, Ritsu doesn’t even know anymore. All he wants is Mao’s warm arms to comfort him as he sobs. That’s all he wants. Just Mao holding him tightly, whispering _ it’s okays _ until Ritsu stops being a pathetic coward.

“_I__’m sorry_.”

Mao doesn’t think it’s Ritsu’s fault. It’s not Ritsu’s fault that he got scared. _ By right_, Mao shouldn’t be seeing Ritsu right now but Arashi and Mika ran around looking for him because Ritsu was basically tearing himself apart over the wedding. No matter how many times Ritsu tries to reassure himself, Ritsu still finds himself scared of his wedding. It couldn’t be helped. Ritsu has the right to be scared. Ritsu has always been the type to endlessly worry over things beyond his control.

Mao hums as Ritsu sniffs. The room smells horrible--Ritsu smells horrible. This is supposed to be a good day yet Ritsu is ruining it with his stupid jittery feelings. Mao laughs when Ritsu claims how stupid he feels. He wants to go and finish this wedding but yet here he is, sobbing on the bathroom floor as Mao comforts him.

“It’s a pretty typical day for us, in the end, right?”

“I don’t think you realise this but _ this is the stuff that Nacchan and Mikarin had to handle _.”

Mao laughs wholeheartedly. He presses his forehead against Ritsu, he brings Ritsu’s hands close to his lips.

“_ We’ll be okay, I promise-- _ ** _You’re not alone anymore_**_, Ritchan, _” Mao whispers into Ritsu’s knuckles before kissing them. Ritsu giggles--Mao is a hopeless romantic. Ritsu never forgets that.

Before Mao can even try to peck Ritsu on the lips, Ritsu stops him. Mao wouldn’t want to kiss Ritsu after hurling his guts out. He smells terrible. He should get ready--Mao laughs. Mao kisses Ritsu’s forehead instead. Ritsu hears Arashi and Mika call for Ritsu to get ready. The wedding will start soon and the last thing they want is Ritsu to be late.

Ritsu ayes as Mao helps him up.

To Ritsu, Mao looks amazing. The way he smiles when he sees Ritsu come out, it makes Ritsu have butterflies in his stomach. He falls in love with Mao all over again. From the way his head tilts, his fringe slightly obscuring his eyes to how he smiles brightly as he takes Ritsu’s hands into his. Ritsu feels like the very first time he realised he loved Mao; warm, embarrassed but it’s also the best feeling in the world.

To Mao, Ritsu is everything--_ he’s everything Mao finds truly beautiful_. Mao can’t tell if Ritsu’s cheeks being red is from the blush or Ritsu feeling flushed. Either way, Mao wants to keep the sight of Ritsu smiling softly as he takes Mao’s hand in his heart forever. He wants to keep everything about Ritsu’s appearance forever; the ribbon, the pearly white suit, the gloves--everything, Mao wants to keep it all. Ritsu is somebody Mao wants to only look at. He can’t help but feel that way as Ritsu breaks contact to listen to the officiant.

“_Ma-kun-- _”

Mao may have gone a little overboard when the officiant says ‘_ kiss the bride _ ’. Ritsu nearly slips when Mao kisses Ritsu too deeply. Ritsu feels warm and red all over when he breaks the kiss. Mao rarely kisses like this unless he gets excited. Ritsu doesn’t know how to react after Mao kisses him like that. If anything, he feels lost as Mao laughs at Ritsu’s bewildered expression. Ritsu thinks falling in love with Mao is having to put through endless surprises. Something Ritsu wishes he could get used to but _can’t _.

“Are you okay?” Mao laughs as he presses his forehead against Ritsu’s.

Ritsu tries to stutter out a yes but somehow another part of him starts bursting open--ah, he’s crying again. Why is he crying? Is it because he’s finally married? Is it because he’s finally with Mao? Ritsu can’t tell. All Ritsu can tell is Mao laughing as Ritsu sobs into Mao’s shoulder.

Everything becomes a blur of happiness, Ritsu is showered in love that he didn’t expect to have. Everyone is surrounding him in such a comforting way. Ritsu can’t stop crying about it. He knows why. To voice such a depressing thought, Ritsu can’t do it now. Ritsu doesn’t want to. Ritsu doesn’t want to ruin such warm memories--these warm memories Ritsu wants to cherish till the end of time.

“_Yoohoo! _” Arashi greets as she creeps into Ritsu’s empty space.

Ritsu laughs as Mika and Arashi hug him. They don’t congratulate Ritsu. Instead, they tell Ritsu that he’s _ finally made it _. They tell Ritsu that he’s grown so big since last year. It’s honestly remarkable. They just keep showering Ritsu in compliments till Ritsu quirks an eyebrow at them. Just what has gotten into them? Ritsu doesn’t know.

“You’re happy, like _ really happy _ now.”

Mika nods along, he mentions how Ritsu cried so much today. Both sad and happy tears. It’s amazing how Ritsu is still standing even now. Ritsu is amazed too. He thought he’d pass out after Subaru and Makoto scream into a mic about how Mao couldn’t choose a best man. Guess he was too happy to sleep, this day--it’s different from the other one. Ritsu is glad.

Ritsu can finally toss _ that one _ into the trash. He doesn’t have to look at that anymore. Ritsu can’t be forced into anything anymore. Mao has reassured Ritsu that enough times. Though, this time, Ritsu seriously means it when he can finally let go of these awful nightmares because such activities won’t cross his way anymore. It’s honestly the first time in _ a very long while _ since Ritsu could finally breathe properly.

Arashi and Mika scoot closer to Ritsu until they’re squeezing him, gushing how Ritsu can sound adult-like as always. Ritsu laughs as Mika talks about how just last year, Ritsu would sob on the floor every day--Ritsu corrects him that_ he still does_. Arashi calls Ritsu a crybaby as a joke. It’s honestly hard to feel offended when he’s surrounded by them. It’s hard to imagine his life had he not stumble into their apartment that one day. Ritsu can’t imagine at all.

Ritsu gestures Arashi and Mika to come closer so he can hug them. Mika and Arashi felt how tight Ritsu was hugging them. He seemed to want to return the kindness they had given to him but could only reply to it in the form of a hug. It was fine. They could take that gesture. In fact, it was the best reply from him. It was their favourite form of gesture from Ritsu.

“_Thank you_,” Ritsu whispers quietly as he smiles softly.

Arashi and Mika laugh out why. It seemed so out of place when Ritsu should be thanking Mao who stuck with him for so long. Ritsu shakes his head. He has to say it to everyone. He asks them to follow him to make that announcement. Arashi and Mika look at each other before following.

Ritsu has been meaning to do this for months, honestly. Maybe years. Who knows. Ritsu just knows that he should be doing this; bowing his head as he thanks everyone for being in his life. Thank everyone for always putting up with his never-ending spiral of a mess. Thank everyone for always trying their best to remain understanding of Ritsu. Thank everyone for even thinking that Ritsu was going to be alright and making through just the day or anything really. Ritsu can’t help but thank everyone for the gratitude they’ve been giving him.

“_ I know it’s stupid for suddenly lowering the atmosphere of this room with this stupid thank you speech but it’s been in so long since I’ve felt _ ** _this happy_ ** _ , I can’t help it. _”

Ritsu has been crying all day. He’s already cried enough but that didn’t mean he’s run out of tears. He feels safe in Mao’s arms as he’s hugged tightly by him. He can’t help but think about how happy he is right now. Mao whispers _ I love you _ into Ritsu’s hair as everyone in the room smile and cheer for Ritsu just thanking them.

In the end, Ritsu was very far from the Ritsu he was _ meant to be_. Very far. So very far away. Either way, it was okay because he was satisfied with being the Ritsu he ended up becoming. The one that Mao loves. The one that his parents love. The one that his brother loves. The one that his friends love. _ The one that he loves_.

Sure, it’ll be a while till Ritsu whisks away those nightmares and fears but that’s okay. He has Mao to kiss him safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this at 3.40am and I'm supposed to wake up at like 9am bc I'm meeting a friend so ye ah  
I hope you had fun with this piece!!!  
Thank you for reading!!  
(If you want, you can scream at me on twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you had fun reading it!!


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